So this post comes in the aftermath of a bit of disappointment. I found myself getting quite upset and frustrated, because it seems at times that regardless of the effort I put in to anything, the reward is only temporary, and I am quickly slipping back into old habits. All this work to earn money, eat clean, keep my house organized- and so quickly I find myself broke again, eating badly again, and my house a giant mess. Seems like a lot of effort and for what? To be right back where I started? Why do I even bother with trying? Maybe I should just give up and quit trying to reach my goals.
That's what I usually do after a slip-up, and I always end up feeling badly about it. Feeling defeated, hopeless, like a failure. Which leads to negative self-talk and more feelings of being a failure. I'm sure we've all heard the saying about insanity- "Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results". I am definitely guilty of this. Setting my expectations high, approaching the task with an all-or-nothing attitude, then getting upset when it doesn't work out perfectly. I've talked before about planning, so I won't go into much detail about why it is important for reaching goals, but instead I am going to speak about forgiveness. Instead of beating myself up for slipping up and failing to reach my goal, I will forgive myself and get back on track. Things happen, and no one is perfect. I'm sure even my idols fall off their diet plans at times. But instead of calling themselves names, and continuing to eat everything in sight, they get right back to eating clean again. I saw a quote today about failure not being a sign of weakness, but an indicator for new beginning with greater insight. A slip-up can become an opportunity to check in with ourselves and think about why we have set this goal in the first place. Why is this goal important to you? In my case, eating clean and healthy is important to me, because I am in the process of becoming a wellness counselor. It would be hypocritical of me to preach the benefits of eating well while I secretly eat junk food. But that has been what I've been doing. Additionally, I am quite frustrated with the effects of the junk food on my body. Excess weight, cellulite, and acne have been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember. Since I hit puberty at about age 13, to be more precise, and I would have thought that nearly 20 years later, acne wouldn't be an issue anymore. But it is. And it really bothers me. The skin is our largest organ, and provides a barrier to the outside world. It protects our vital organs, tissues, and cells from being exposed to harmful toxins and chemicals. But when skin problems such as acne are present, it could be a sign of inner toxicity. Given that the acne has been pretty much constant, other than for a handful of times during my life, it makes me wonder if it is related to something internal. A digestive issue, a food intolerance, who knows. But clearly, what I've been doing hasn't been working. I have tried nearly every topical acne treatment, birth control, facials, tanning- everything short of Accutane, and while I have had some success with these treatments, the acne comes back as soon as I stop. These are merely treatments of the symptoms, not necessarily a solution to the problem.
So, in line with my goal of eating clean, I'm not doing it necessarily for weight loss (although that is a happy side effect of eating well), but for the greater benefits of it. Better sleep, clearer skin, healthy insides- there really are no downsides to feeding your body with optimal nutrition. Sure, it can be more expensive and time consuming, but the benefits far outweigh the costs. How do I feel after eating junk food? Sick, to be honest. So why do I continue to eat it? Because it's easy. It's familiar. Other people seem to be able to eat it without issues. But does it make me happy in the end? No. Does the energy boost I get from eating healthy food make me happy? Definitely. So, even though it's more work to eat well, it is worth it in the end. Even if you have an off day (or week, in my case), there is no reason not to get back on track with eating and living well. Take care of your body, it's the only place you have to live.
Saturday 19 July 2014
Saturday 5 July 2014
Letting Go of Expectations
I just want to check in today about expectations, and how they almost limit possibilities. I seem to always have this idea in my head about what "should" be, or how something "should" turn out, and often I am disappointed with the result. I do realize that opening my mind and accepting each situation for what it is will bring me far more peace in the long run; but it seems like letting go is easier said than done. I suppose for a long time I've had a general idea in my head of what I'd like my life to look like, and it has definitely changed over the years. I acknowledge that I can't control everything in my life, and that the more I try to control things, the harder things get. It is a challenge to be content with what is, when all I can think about is what I think should be. And this goes with everything- my health, my relationships, my career path, school. If I don't like what is currently happening in my life, I have a tendency to seek happiness somewhere else. But this often leads to more misery than what I started with. What's so wrong with just accepting everything as it is, and understanding that if I want it to be different, I am the one to make that change. During a seminar I was watching back in May, the facilitator referred to being content as "waking up every day and not wanting to change a thing". Maybe not everything is perfect, but everything is as it is, and you are able to draw peace from your surroundings. I think this is definitely going to be a work in progress; I know there are many things I wake up to, wanting them to be different. But is different better?
I've been thinking lately about the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side", which makes me wonder if it really is. Would things be better if I had the body I want? Would things be better if I had a partner who shared all of my interests? Would things be better if I had more money? Okay, so I will argue that having more money would likely make things better, and not in the sense that money buys happiness. Financial security would probably make things better, not necessarily financial abundance. Sure, it would be great to have lots of money, but for now I would be happy if all of the bills were paid, and I didn't have collectors calling me daily. In time, that will come. But for now, while I sit here in luxurious poverty (as in people living in "real" poverty don't wear designer clothes, have iPhones and iPads, and drive a brand new car) I so often find myself complaining about not having enough money or time to do the things I want. There is so much emphasis these days around "living the life you want" or "living the life of your dreams", which seems to often revolve around cruises and private planes, swimming pools and mansions,cars, money, luxury. Why are these the things we are supposed to want? Are these the things that will truly make us happy? I don't know, and I don't really think so. Yes, it would be great to have all these things, but they are just things. Will your private jet care for you when you are ill? Will your mansion be there for you during good times and bad? Probably not. But back to my original point here- what if I watered the grass on the side that I am on? Instead of always dreaming about what I would like my world to be, maybe I should open my eyes to what it is right now. If I am so focused on what I don't have yet, how can I even be aware of what I do have?
I think this is a fairly common problem in post-modern society; we are constantly bombarded with images and messages about what we should want, what we should look like, and what should be important to us. So what if we all ignored this? What if we took a moment to be truly grateful for what we have, in this moment? Sure, I have more body fat than I want, but if I were to get seriously ill, then maybe I'd have a longer chance to live than someone who is underweight? I have more body fat than I want, but I don't have diabetes or a heart condition (that I know of). I am able to wake up each day, get myself out of bed, and care for myself without requiring assistance from someone else. I have a partner who loves me for who I am right now, not for who I might become. I have family who care about me, whom I am able to spend time with; three of four grandparents well into old age who still live in their own homes. I honestly think these are the things we need to cherish- people, not things. Cherish and love yourself unconditionally, and love others just the same. Stop waiting to be happy, and start being happy right now. Find it inside yourself, and let it radiate to those around you. "Water the grass" by nourishing the relationships you have right now, instead of searching for something else. Realize that what you have right now is enough, don't always seek out something more.
I've been thinking lately about the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side", which makes me wonder if it really is. Would things be better if I had the body I want? Would things be better if I had a partner who shared all of my interests? Would things be better if I had more money? Okay, so I will argue that having more money would likely make things better, and not in the sense that money buys happiness. Financial security would probably make things better, not necessarily financial abundance. Sure, it would be great to have lots of money, but for now I would be happy if all of the bills were paid, and I didn't have collectors calling me daily. In time, that will come. But for now, while I sit here in luxurious poverty (as in people living in "real" poverty don't wear designer clothes, have iPhones and iPads, and drive a brand new car) I so often find myself complaining about not having enough money or time to do the things I want. There is so much emphasis these days around "living the life you want" or "living the life of your dreams", which seems to often revolve around cruises and private planes, swimming pools and mansions,cars, money, luxury. Why are these the things we are supposed to want? Are these the things that will truly make us happy? I don't know, and I don't really think so. Yes, it would be great to have all these things, but they are just things. Will your private jet care for you when you are ill? Will your mansion be there for you during good times and bad? Probably not. But back to my original point here- what if I watered the grass on the side that I am on? Instead of always dreaming about what I would like my world to be, maybe I should open my eyes to what it is right now. If I am so focused on what I don't have yet, how can I even be aware of what I do have?
I think this is a fairly common problem in post-modern society; we are constantly bombarded with images and messages about what we should want, what we should look like, and what should be important to us. So what if we all ignored this? What if we took a moment to be truly grateful for what we have, in this moment? Sure, I have more body fat than I want, but if I were to get seriously ill, then maybe I'd have a longer chance to live than someone who is underweight? I have more body fat than I want, but I don't have diabetes or a heart condition (that I know of). I am able to wake up each day, get myself out of bed, and care for myself without requiring assistance from someone else. I have a partner who loves me for who I am right now, not for who I might become. I have family who care about me, whom I am able to spend time with; three of four grandparents well into old age who still live in their own homes. I honestly think these are the things we need to cherish- people, not things. Cherish and love yourself unconditionally, and love others just the same. Stop waiting to be happy, and start being happy right now. Find it inside yourself, and let it radiate to those around you. "Water the grass" by nourishing the relationships you have right now, instead of searching for something else. Realize that what you have right now is enough, don't always seek out something more.
Friday 27 June 2014
Commitment & Integrity
So I've kind of been avoiding writing this blog lately, I think because it is forcing me to somewhat publicly examine what's going on inside my head, and that can be hard at times. Today I am choosing to write about commitment and integrity, because it seems that I have some issues there. Before I start writing my thoughts about this topic, I first want to define precisely what these words mean. According to the Oxford Dictionary, commitment refers to "the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.", and integrity refers to "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles" (www.oxforddictionaries.com). So why this topic? Where do I even start?
I've recently become aware of how flaky I am when it comes to following through on commitments. I think I touched on this in my last post, but it seems to keep coming to my attention that I have a tendency to cancel on commitments, even after signing a contract, or giving my word to someone. I can recall my mother telling me about how sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, because we've made a commitment to someone, and I do often find myself repeating those words to my son. Over the years, I have developed a habit of backing out of things, which really diminishes the integrity of my word. How many times have I told someone I would do something, come to an event, book an appointment, and then gone and cancelled on them? I don't even know. I feel as though I am constantly letting other people down, but at the same time I am letting my Self down. How many goals have I set and then given up when things have gotten too hard? Why do I give up on myself so easily?
In the course that I took last month, I learned a little bit about the "commitment ladder" and how each of the steps go from uncommitted to completely committed. Things like "I hope I will get this result", then "I want to get this result", then "I am committed to my goal until...", and so on, with "I am committed to my goal 100%, even in the face of challenge" and this is where I am really struggling. A common goal I set for myself is to eat better. As in clean, healthy meals, 95% of the time. I would prefer it to be 100%, but I do realize that it's impossible to be perfect all the time. So I start out with my shopping list, picking up chicken breast and green vegetables, eager to go home and cook up all this healthy goodness. And then something comes up, and I don't have time to cook. And then the next day something else comes up, and I've strayed from my plan, and bought food from a store or restaurant, even though I had all this food I already bought at home. I know that I have to be realistic and acknowledge that things come up, but I am starting to wonder if these "things" are just excuses for my lack of commitment to my own goal. Is anyone affected if I don't follow through on my plan to eat well? I am, in many ways. Financially, for one thing. I don't know how many times I've paid for fresh produce just to throw it away because I didn't have time. It affects my physical health on some level, but my emotional health more than anything. Because the second I don't stick to my plan, I am beating myself up about it. Not having the time or being too busy to prepare good food for myself (and my son, for that matter) is not a good excuse. Booking up my time with commitments to other people, thereby minimizing my ability to commit to myself, is not really a useful strategy either. I guess it boils down to priorities and organization. Am I committed to making myself a priority? I would like to say yes, but my actions are not consistent with that.
And I suppose that would be where the integrity part comes in. The quality of being honest- am I being honest with other people when I make a commitment that I might back out of? Am I being honest with myself when I make a commitment that I will back out of? No, not even a little bit. Things are going to get in the way of anything, that's just life. But how I approach these things speak volumes about my level of commitment. Why give up on my goal, just because things get in the way? Plan ahead, so that it doesn't have to be such an obstacle. I'm sure you've heard the adage "Fail to plan, then plan to fail". I read this a LOT when it comes to fitness goals, especially in regards to clean eating. It IS hard to stick to the plan, and I'm not the only person who struggles. But don't give up just because things get in the way. Be true to yourself and your goals, and don't let "things" get in the way. And if something comes up and you fall off track, just get right back at it. Falling off track doesn't mean we failed; we can make the choice to get back up.
I've recently become aware of how flaky I am when it comes to following through on commitments. I think I touched on this in my last post, but it seems to keep coming to my attention that I have a tendency to cancel on commitments, even after signing a contract, or giving my word to someone. I can recall my mother telling me about how sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, because we've made a commitment to someone, and I do often find myself repeating those words to my son. Over the years, I have developed a habit of backing out of things, which really diminishes the integrity of my word. How many times have I told someone I would do something, come to an event, book an appointment, and then gone and cancelled on them? I don't even know. I feel as though I am constantly letting other people down, but at the same time I am letting my Self down. How many goals have I set and then given up when things have gotten too hard? Why do I give up on myself so easily?
In the course that I took last month, I learned a little bit about the "commitment ladder" and how each of the steps go from uncommitted to completely committed. Things like "I hope I will get this result", then "I want to get this result", then "I am committed to my goal until...", and so on, with "I am committed to my goal 100%, even in the face of challenge" and this is where I am really struggling. A common goal I set for myself is to eat better. As in clean, healthy meals, 95% of the time. I would prefer it to be 100%, but I do realize that it's impossible to be perfect all the time. So I start out with my shopping list, picking up chicken breast and green vegetables, eager to go home and cook up all this healthy goodness. And then something comes up, and I don't have time to cook. And then the next day something else comes up, and I've strayed from my plan, and bought food from a store or restaurant, even though I had all this food I already bought at home. I know that I have to be realistic and acknowledge that things come up, but I am starting to wonder if these "things" are just excuses for my lack of commitment to my own goal. Is anyone affected if I don't follow through on my plan to eat well? I am, in many ways. Financially, for one thing. I don't know how many times I've paid for fresh produce just to throw it away because I didn't have time. It affects my physical health on some level, but my emotional health more than anything. Because the second I don't stick to my plan, I am beating myself up about it. Not having the time or being too busy to prepare good food for myself (and my son, for that matter) is not a good excuse. Booking up my time with commitments to other people, thereby minimizing my ability to commit to myself, is not really a useful strategy either. I guess it boils down to priorities and organization. Am I committed to making myself a priority? I would like to say yes, but my actions are not consistent with that.
And I suppose that would be where the integrity part comes in. The quality of being honest- am I being honest with other people when I make a commitment that I might back out of? Am I being honest with myself when I make a commitment that I will back out of? No, not even a little bit. Things are going to get in the way of anything, that's just life. But how I approach these things speak volumes about my level of commitment. Why give up on my goal, just because things get in the way? Plan ahead, so that it doesn't have to be such an obstacle. I'm sure you've heard the adage "Fail to plan, then plan to fail". I read this a LOT when it comes to fitness goals, especially in regards to clean eating. It IS hard to stick to the plan, and I'm not the only person who struggles. But don't give up just because things get in the way. Be true to yourself and your goals, and don't let "things" get in the way. And if something comes up and you fall off track, just get right back at it. Falling off track doesn't mean we failed; we can make the choice to get back up.
Saturday 21 June 2014
Avoiding & Procrastinating
Alright, so this daily posting thing is really gettin away from me here. I've been more conscious of my actions and motivations lately, and definitely noticing a pattern I've fallen into. Maybe it's been a habit for longer than I realize, but it's really something to focus some energy on.
Somewhere in my adult life, I'm not totally sure when it started, I developed a terrible habit of procrastinating. Papers to write- I'll do it later; housework to do- I'll do it later; this seems to be a common theme with everything in my life. I have heard theories about procrastinating, and how the stress of a deadline can be helpful. And maybe there is some truth to this; perhaps I am more focused when I know something has to be done by a certain date. But at the same time, all of this 'leaving it to the last minute' really just adds more stress. The job suddenly becomes a LOT more work than if I had just started it earlier. Whether it is researching a paper, or taking out the recycling, it is definitely easier to work on this continually, than to let it pile up over time. I have a tendency to overload my schedule with stuff, so that when I have some free time, I'm exhausted and don't feel like doing anything.
Lately, though, I have actually been doing these little things that I used to ignore, but would bother me until I got them done. Dishes in the sink- just wash them. Clutter on the counter- find somewhere for it to go. Recycling- still a pain in the ass to do from my apartment building, but I have found that if I do it weekly, it's not such a big job. There is still clutter all over my house, but what a difference it makes when I actually put things where they belong, rather than just on the nearest flat surface. I am implementing a system of cleaning and organizing, and making it a priority, rather than something I'll get around to doing later. Now that I am free in the mornings, I have more time to do something little every day. Maybe a load of laundry, maybe washing the floors. It doesn't have to be done all in one day, but small amounts of consistent effort are really making a big difference. I'm still busy during the days, it's not like I'm sitting around my house drinking coffee all day, but just taking 5 or 10 minutes to go through a stack of papers or mail really helps. I'm noticing that it really helps to book this stuff into my schedule as an appointment- it gets so easy to book up my time doing things for other people, that I have no energy to take care of my own needs. By being prepared and organized, I feel like I can accomplish this mountain of work, little by little, and get it done!
The second bad habit I want to comment on is maybe a bit related to procrastinating, and that is avoiding. Yes, I avoid doing things by procrastinating, but the avoiding that I am referring to is avoiding social occasions, and interaction with other people. Even things I've already paid for, I have skipped out on, for whatever reason. I'm not sure why I do this; I know in the past it was because I was self-conscious about my weight. I still am at this moment, but it's not as uncomfortable as it used to be. But this pattern of blowing off invites, or cancelling out of things at the last minute is really bad. I get upset when people cancel on me for things, but I have noticed that flakiness is not just limited to me. I almost expect people to cancel things on me, or to have to reschedule. I realize that we get busy in our lives, but what has happened to committing to something? I can recall my mom telling me about not backing out of something you have committed to, but I still do it all the time. More so now than ever, I feel, and I notice it wearing off on Luc. He's the reason I cancel things more often than not, but it is a very bad habit, and I am not teaching him any good by allowing him to use his excuse to cancel my plans.
So what's behind all this procrastination and avoidance? Fear of the unknown? Fear of having fun or enjoying new opportunities? Staying home in my safe place is not necessarily making me happy, so why is it so hard to just follow through on my plans? Often times, I've been 'forced' by friends to go out, even though I really didn't want to, and in the end I had a lot of fun. I can't really remember any specific event where I left my comfort zone and was truly regretful. Even if things didn't work out as I might have hoped, there is always a learning opportunity in every adventure, and you just never know who might cross your path.
I noticed a quote today about happiness that said "Happiness comes when your words and deeds are of benefit to yourself and others". This resonated strongly with me, because so often I will verbally commit to something, but then back out at the last minute. Are these verbal commitments benefiting me or others? No, because the commitments are conditional, and I usually have some kind of intention (conscious or not) to back out. Often times I have found myself engaging in destructive behaviours the night before I have something I committed to; whether it is a workshop that I actually did want to go to, or working on a group project for school, or cutting someone's hair. I'll stay up half the night, eating too much and maybe compensating, and then cancel in the morning because I am "sick". Who is this benefiting? No one! It's harming more than anything. I am putting words out there that are lies, breaking down any kid of accountability that I might have, and often letting people down. Maybe they aren't that upset at me for cancelling, but I hate to think that I am that flaky person who cancels on everything. My sister used to be known as the flaky one; I don't want people to automatically expect me to cancel last minute.
So it's really important that I tackle this now, and not later. The irony of procrastinating on no longer procrastinating is really quite funny, but at the same time it's not. Does procrastinating benefit me in any way? No. Does avoiding benefit me in anyway? No. Do these behaviours benefit anyone else? No. So enough of that already. I'm off to make my To-Do list, and work on getting things done.
Somewhere in my adult life, I'm not totally sure when it started, I developed a terrible habit of procrastinating. Papers to write- I'll do it later; housework to do- I'll do it later; this seems to be a common theme with everything in my life. I have heard theories about procrastinating, and how the stress of a deadline can be helpful. And maybe there is some truth to this; perhaps I am more focused when I know something has to be done by a certain date. But at the same time, all of this 'leaving it to the last minute' really just adds more stress. The job suddenly becomes a LOT more work than if I had just started it earlier. Whether it is researching a paper, or taking out the recycling, it is definitely easier to work on this continually, than to let it pile up over time. I have a tendency to overload my schedule with stuff, so that when I have some free time, I'm exhausted and don't feel like doing anything.
Lately, though, I have actually been doing these little things that I used to ignore, but would bother me until I got them done. Dishes in the sink- just wash them. Clutter on the counter- find somewhere for it to go. Recycling- still a pain in the ass to do from my apartment building, but I have found that if I do it weekly, it's not such a big job. There is still clutter all over my house, but what a difference it makes when I actually put things where they belong, rather than just on the nearest flat surface. I am implementing a system of cleaning and organizing, and making it a priority, rather than something I'll get around to doing later. Now that I am free in the mornings, I have more time to do something little every day. Maybe a load of laundry, maybe washing the floors. It doesn't have to be done all in one day, but small amounts of consistent effort are really making a big difference. I'm still busy during the days, it's not like I'm sitting around my house drinking coffee all day, but just taking 5 or 10 minutes to go through a stack of papers or mail really helps. I'm noticing that it really helps to book this stuff into my schedule as an appointment- it gets so easy to book up my time doing things for other people, that I have no energy to take care of my own needs. By being prepared and organized, I feel like I can accomplish this mountain of work, little by little, and get it done!
The second bad habit I want to comment on is maybe a bit related to procrastinating, and that is avoiding. Yes, I avoid doing things by procrastinating, but the avoiding that I am referring to is avoiding social occasions, and interaction with other people. Even things I've already paid for, I have skipped out on, for whatever reason. I'm not sure why I do this; I know in the past it was because I was self-conscious about my weight. I still am at this moment, but it's not as uncomfortable as it used to be. But this pattern of blowing off invites, or cancelling out of things at the last minute is really bad. I get upset when people cancel on me for things, but I have noticed that flakiness is not just limited to me. I almost expect people to cancel things on me, or to have to reschedule. I realize that we get busy in our lives, but what has happened to committing to something? I can recall my mom telling me about not backing out of something you have committed to, but I still do it all the time. More so now than ever, I feel, and I notice it wearing off on Luc. He's the reason I cancel things more often than not, but it is a very bad habit, and I am not teaching him any good by allowing him to use his excuse to cancel my plans.
So what's behind all this procrastination and avoidance? Fear of the unknown? Fear of having fun or enjoying new opportunities? Staying home in my safe place is not necessarily making me happy, so why is it so hard to just follow through on my plans? Often times, I've been 'forced' by friends to go out, even though I really didn't want to, and in the end I had a lot of fun. I can't really remember any specific event where I left my comfort zone and was truly regretful. Even if things didn't work out as I might have hoped, there is always a learning opportunity in every adventure, and you just never know who might cross your path.
I noticed a quote today about happiness that said "Happiness comes when your words and deeds are of benefit to yourself and others". This resonated strongly with me, because so often I will verbally commit to something, but then back out at the last minute. Are these verbal commitments benefiting me or others? No, because the commitments are conditional, and I usually have some kind of intention (conscious or not) to back out. Often times I have found myself engaging in destructive behaviours the night before I have something I committed to; whether it is a workshop that I actually did want to go to, or working on a group project for school, or cutting someone's hair. I'll stay up half the night, eating too much and maybe compensating, and then cancel in the morning because I am "sick". Who is this benefiting? No one! It's harming more than anything. I am putting words out there that are lies, breaking down any kid of accountability that I might have, and often letting people down. Maybe they aren't that upset at me for cancelling, but I hate to think that I am that flaky person who cancels on everything. My sister used to be known as the flaky one; I don't want people to automatically expect me to cancel last minute.
So it's really important that I tackle this now, and not later. The irony of procrastinating on no longer procrastinating is really quite funny, but at the same time it's not. Does procrastinating benefit me in any way? No. Does avoiding benefit me in anyway? No. Do these behaviours benefit anyone else? No. So enough of that already. I'm off to make my To-Do list, and work on getting things done.
Tuesday 10 June 2014
What is so hard about letting go?
Happy Tuesday, gracious readers! Since my last post, I am still working on organizing many of my personal belongings to put up for sale. I'm about a step ahead of where I was last week, but still have some difficulties. Yes, there has been some procrastinating, but I am definitely realizing that letting go of my attachment to material things is very symbolic of letting go of emotional things. I have issues with control (as I'm sure many of us do), and I am suddenly aware of just how much this is holding me back. I have a number of size 6 Lululemon items in my closet, that I generally don't wear because they are too tight. I know that they are too tight, and that size 8 fits better, but there have been a couple of times in the last year since I bought them that they did fit. Rationally, I should sell these items, because they are practically brand new, and I'm not wearing them right now anyway. But I really don't want to, because a part of me is feeling like if I let them go, then I am letting go of my hope that I will be a size 6 again. Which I suppose is a bit ridiculous, because if I put my mind to it, and eat healthy and exercise, it won't be that hard to get into a size 6. Not like I'm trying to shrink down to a 2 or anything, but still. The three times that I have been a size 6 (probably ever, but definitely within the last 5 years) are associated with my eating disorder. The first time was a few years ago, when everything was just starting. I was healthier then, I suppose, and getting down to that size felt amazing! But I still wasn't happy. And it didn't last long. A couple months maybe, before I hurt my back and gained a bunch of weight. The other two times were over the last year, when I restricted my diet to around 500 calories a day, give or take. Definitely not healthy. And not a lifestyle I want to associate with anymore. I know how bad it is to live off such few calories, and to gain energy through supplements and caffeine. I know how bad this is for my body on the inside, but I really did like how it looked on the outside! People would comment on how much weight I had lost, even though it was only just over 10 pounds. It was enough to make a difference. Enough to fit into those clothes!
Those periods of restricting and losing weight were short-lived too; it's hard to exist on 500 calories, and I often would binge and sometimes purge. As soon as I started eating 'normally' again, or if I stopped caring about restricting and ate whatever I wanted, then the weight would come right back. Which it has. Again. With a few extra pounds. Again. So why do I keep doing this? I know in my head that if I exercise and fuel my body with healthy food, I will naturally lose weight, without really trying. So why is it so f*@#ing hard? It seems like the weight I am at right now is my set-point weight; seems to be this is the default setting for me, because it's what I was at through high school and when I was healthy. I know that it's really not that bad, and that most people think my size is just fine, but I really just don't like it. I know that we all have body issues, and that no one is ever happy, and it's not like I am trying to starve myself down to 100 pounds or less. I've tried that, and it's too much work. I like food too much. But is there really anything wrong with wanting to lose 10 or 15 pounds? I don't think that is disordered, in our society it is normal, but I do acknowledge the problem with constantly living in a state of wanting to lose weight. Anyway, back to my original point here.
Part of this process is letting go of things that no longer serve me, and wanting to lose weight and controlling my diet are two things that definitely are not serving me. At least not at right now. So I know that I need to give up trying to control my body, because it is not helping me. I believe that surrendering to the process of nourishing my body will give me the results I want, but a part of me doesn't want to give up bingeing. Even though I hate it, I have trouble with letting it go. I have been playing around with just enjoying food, but there has been a fair bit of bingeing going on lately, which I think is just my default reaction to the self-work I've been doing, and also some of those darn hormones affecting me. I am aware that I have a choice not to binge, so why do I choose to binge more often than not? Emotional attachment to the food? A lack of commitment to myself to live up to the standards that I set for myself? I had a very interesting conversation today about letting go, expectations, and acceptance based on this self-imposed predicament. The clothes represent my 'ideal' size (as in ideal in my mind, not based on any standards or anything). If I give away or sell the clothes, then I feel like I am giving up hope of being that size again. But I am sure I can be that size again, and I could probably even maintain it for a long time if I really was committed to it. So what is holding me back? What am I afraid will happen if I get to that size? Nothing, really, except that those clothes would fit, and maybe I would enjoy looking at my body more than I do now. Will it change who I am though? Or what other people think of me? Do people think poorly of me right now? I don't know, and I hope not, but I don't think people judge me for being a size 8 and not a 6. And why am I having so much trouble accepting that I am more than just my size. The number on the scale does not measure my intelligence, my strength, my resilience. It should not measure my confidence, my worthiness, or my ability to give and receive love. So why is it so hard to let go?
I do fear that if I stop being concerned about my weight and size, that I will gain a lot of weight from eating whatever I want. So I think it is important to be aware of what I eat, but it doesn't need to be controlled through portion sizes, calories, or food type. If I start to feed my body, rather than my emotions, then maybe I will no longer crave the 'bad' foods. If I learn to eat the 'bad' foods as a treat, rather than eating them as part of a ritual of self-destruction, then maybe I can find peace with food and my body. I have learned about mindfulness-based eating awareness therapy, but never really practiced it. I have heard of it referred to as a "chocolate meditation", which is definitely something that sounds good to me! Eat one piece of chocolate daily; slowly enjoy and experience the flavours and sensations of the chocolate while you eat it. I used to do this, years ago when I was trying to lose weight. But at some point, chocolate became less of a treat and more of a drug. My intention going forward from here is to eat mindfully, choose my snacks and meals responsibly, while leaving room to enjoy a few treats. Start developing a new relationship with food; one that doesn't bounce between careful restriction and throwing all caution to the wind. Let go of those clothes, because right now I need to earn some money, and holding back on my life because of a desire to lose weight is not getting me anywhere. Give up control and surrender to the process of becoming healthy. With no shortcuts, or quick-fixes. Accepting who I am right now, while remaining committed to myself to have the body that I want. What I have right now is fine, and I do acknowledge that. What I need to let go of is my expectation that life will be better when I reach my ideal size. Instead, focus on improving my life, and letting my body heal from the damage I have done over the years. Let my size be what it is, but commit to being healthy.
Those periods of restricting and losing weight were short-lived too; it's hard to exist on 500 calories, and I often would binge and sometimes purge. As soon as I started eating 'normally' again, or if I stopped caring about restricting and ate whatever I wanted, then the weight would come right back. Which it has. Again. With a few extra pounds. Again. So why do I keep doing this? I know in my head that if I exercise and fuel my body with healthy food, I will naturally lose weight, without really trying. So why is it so f*@#ing hard? It seems like the weight I am at right now is my set-point weight; seems to be this is the default setting for me, because it's what I was at through high school and when I was healthy. I know that it's really not that bad, and that most people think my size is just fine, but I really just don't like it. I know that we all have body issues, and that no one is ever happy, and it's not like I am trying to starve myself down to 100 pounds or less. I've tried that, and it's too much work. I like food too much. But is there really anything wrong with wanting to lose 10 or 15 pounds? I don't think that is disordered, in our society it is normal, but I do acknowledge the problem with constantly living in a state of wanting to lose weight. Anyway, back to my original point here.
Part of this process is letting go of things that no longer serve me, and wanting to lose weight and controlling my diet are two things that definitely are not serving me. At least not at right now. So I know that I need to give up trying to control my body, because it is not helping me. I believe that surrendering to the process of nourishing my body will give me the results I want, but a part of me doesn't want to give up bingeing. Even though I hate it, I have trouble with letting it go. I have been playing around with just enjoying food, but there has been a fair bit of bingeing going on lately, which I think is just my default reaction to the self-work I've been doing, and also some of those darn hormones affecting me. I am aware that I have a choice not to binge, so why do I choose to binge more often than not? Emotional attachment to the food? A lack of commitment to myself to live up to the standards that I set for myself? I had a very interesting conversation today about letting go, expectations, and acceptance based on this self-imposed predicament. The clothes represent my 'ideal' size (as in ideal in my mind, not based on any standards or anything). If I give away or sell the clothes, then I feel like I am giving up hope of being that size again. But I am sure I can be that size again, and I could probably even maintain it for a long time if I really was committed to it. So what is holding me back? What am I afraid will happen if I get to that size? Nothing, really, except that those clothes would fit, and maybe I would enjoy looking at my body more than I do now. Will it change who I am though? Or what other people think of me? Do people think poorly of me right now? I don't know, and I hope not, but I don't think people judge me for being a size 8 and not a 6. And why am I having so much trouble accepting that I am more than just my size. The number on the scale does not measure my intelligence, my strength, my resilience. It should not measure my confidence, my worthiness, or my ability to give and receive love. So why is it so hard to let go?
I do fear that if I stop being concerned about my weight and size, that I will gain a lot of weight from eating whatever I want. So I think it is important to be aware of what I eat, but it doesn't need to be controlled through portion sizes, calories, or food type. If I start to feed my body, rather than my emotions, then maybe I will no longer crave the 'bad' foods. If I learn to eat the 'bad' foods as a treat, rather than eating them as part of a ritual of self-destruction, then maybe I can find peace with food and my body. I have learned about mindfulness-based eating awareness therapy, but never really practiced it. I have heard of it referred to as a "chocolate meditation", which is definitely something that sounds good to me! Eat one piece of chocolate daily; slowly enjoy and experience the flavours and sensations of the chocolate while you eat it. I used to do this, years ago when I was trying to lose weight. But at some point, chocolate became less of a treat and more of a drug. My intention going forward from here is to eat mindfully, choose my snacks and meals responsibly, while leaving room to enjoy a few treats. Start developing a new relationship with food; one that doesn't bounce between careful restriction and throwing all caution to the wind. Let go of those clothes, because right now I need to earn some money, and holding back on my life because of a desire to lose weight is not getting me anywhere. Give up control and surrender to the process of becoming healthy. With no shortcuts, or quick-fixes. Accepting who I am right now, while remaining committed to myself to have the body that I want. What I have right now is fine, and I do acknowledge that. What I need to let go of is my expectation that life will be better when I reach my ideal size. Instead, focus on improving my life, and letting my body heal from the damage I have done over the years. Let my size be what it is, but commit to being healthy.
Saturday 7 June 2014
Old Habits Die Hard
Since the last time I posted, I have been very aware of how quickly and easily my bad habits are popping up. While I haven't been "engaging in behaviours" to the extent that I used to, there is definitely still a disordered undertone to what and how I've been eating. I have been trying over the last few months to just eat, without over-analyzing the amount of calories, without stressing over whether it's good or bad, and just watching my portion size. I have been making the effort to make clean, healthy meals and snacks, but it is hard sometimes because we are on the go all the time. I definitely would like to be more organized than I am, so that will take some work. I still find that I am bingeing a bit, especially in the evening, and when I am alone. And then feeling guilty afterward, because I have eaten Luc's chocolate (again), and eaten more that I needed to. Previously, I would have looked at these binges as symptoms of my eating disorder (which previously would be accurate), but now I am coming at it from a different angle. The course work I did through Integrative Nutrition suggests that food binges and emotional eating (which I think is a more accurate description of what I've been doing lately) occur as a result of imbalance of our 'primary foods' - career, relationships, physical activity, and spirituality. Food that we ingest is considered secondary, and exists as fuel for our bodies. But so often, especially in the fast-paced lives we live, being unhappy in any aspect of our lives can lead us to find comfort in food. I'm sure most women and some men can attest to this; whether the over-eating occurs regularly or just once in awhile, it is still a frustrating situation we find ourselves in. Especially if you are watching your weight and trying to eat healthy! I get frustrated when I eat for emotional reasons, but at the same time, it's been a habit for so many years that it is definitely tough to beat!
So, going back to the primary foods, I can take a closer look to find the imbalance. How is my career going? Well, at the moment, I am still struggling with developing my career. I know that I really really really want to be a wellness counselor, and I know that I would like to involve yoga, fitness, and nutrition into my practice. As I've said before in previous posts, I am in the process of laying the groundwork for this, but I am holding myself back out of fear. I tell myself I'm not ready, or I don't know enough yet, but part of me is starting to question this. Sure, I can definitely learn more, but wellness professionals are always learning. If I wait until I know everything (which is impossible with new research constantly arising), I will be waiting forever. I strongly feel that the real reason I haven't done much for my business is because I still don't feel that I am worthy of giving advice to others. I feel shame toward myself for not eating "properly" 100% of the time, or for not being as fit as I would like to, and for even having the history that I do. But it's a work in progress, and I know that if I work on progressing in my fitness and nutrition, along with my knowledge, I can feel worthy. It's progress, not perfection I know, but it has previously been difficult for me.
As far as my relationships, physical activity, and spirituality go, I am sure that through adjusting my point of view and thoughts about myself, these things will fall into place. Through connecting with myself in yoga and meditation, I will strengthen the skills I need to have successful relationships. By viewing myself as worthy and capable of achieving goals, I can improve my physical fitness, and deepen my connection with my body, mind, and spirit. Regular, consistent exercise, yoga, and meditation will help, so I need to prioritize these things again. I love to workout, but often times I will skip a workout in favour of sleeping in, or if I get "too busy". By making myself a priority and scheduling in my workouts and meditation sessions, I believe that I will rely less on food for comfort. I have been in a state of wanting to lose weight for so long, but am shifting my focus to see weight loss as a side effect of balance and contentment in my life. I am finally realizing that trying to control my diet and weight just doesn't work, and I know that I need to let go. What I will be focusing on now is what I am doing in the moment. Not compensating for what was done, but making the best decision that I can, in the moment, given what I am surrounded with. Ideally, this means that I will be prepared and organized ahead of time, with a fridge full of healthy stuff, and a packed cooler bag with me at all times. Realistically, this doesn't always happen, so I will just make do with what I've got; try to make the healthiest choice (not for weight loss reasons, but for nourishing my body), and just accept it for what it is. Realizing that I can't always control my surroundings, or what I eat, and letting go of guilt and attachments to certain foods. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow, and eat pizza without bingeing or beating yourself up for it. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself for now!
So, going back to the primary foods, I can take a closer look to find the imbalance. How is my career going? Well, at the moment, I am still struggling with developing my career. I know that I really really really want to be a wellness counselor, and I know that I would like to involve yoga, fitness, and nutrition into my practice. As I've said before in previous posts, I am in the process of laying the groundwork for this, but I am holding myself back out of fear. I tell myself I'm not ready, or I don't know enough yet, but part of me is starting to question this. Sure, I can definitely learn more, but wellness professionals are always learning. If I wait until I know everything (which is impossible with new research constantly arising), I will be waiting forever. I strongly feel that the real reason I haven't done much for my business is because I still don't feel that I am worthy of giving advice to others. I feel shame toward myself for not eating "properly" 100% of the time, or for not being as fit as I would like to, and for even having the history that I do. But it's a work in progress, and I know that if I work on progressing in my fitness and nutrition, along with my knowledge, I can feel worthy. It's progress, not perfection I know, but it has previously been difficult for me.
As far as my relationships, physical activity, and spirituality go, I am sure that through adjusting my point of view and thoughts about myself, these things will fall into place. Through connecting with myself in yoga and meditation, I will strengthen the skills I need to have successful relationships. By viewing myself as worthy and capable of achieving goals, I can improve my physical fitness, and deepen my connection with my body, mind, and spirit. Regular, consistent exercise, yoga, and meditation will help, so I need to prioritize these things again. I love to workout, but often times I will skip a workout in favour of sleeping in, or if I get "too busy". By making myself a priority and scheduling in my workouts and meditation sessions, I believe that I will rely less on food for comfort. I have been in a state of wanting to lose weight for so long, but am shifting my focus to see weight loss as a side effect of balance and contentment in my life. I am finally realizing that trying to control my diet and weight just doesn't work, and I know that I need to let go. What I will be focusing on now is what I am doing in the moment. Not compensating for what was done, but making the best decision that I can, in the moment, given what I am surrounded with. Ideally, this means that I will be prepared and organized ahead of time, with a fridge full of healthy stuff, and a packed cooler bag with me at all times. Realistically, this doesn't always happen, so I will just make do with what I've got; try to make the healthiest choice (not for weight loss reasons, but for nourishing my body), and just accept it for what it is. Realizing that I can't always control my surroundings, or what I eat, and letting go of guilt and attachments to certain foods. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow, and eat pizza without bingeing or beating yourself up for it. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself for now!
Tuesday 3 June 2014
Back to Reality
So again, it's been a few days. I was attending a course over the weekend in Exercise Theory, which is the first step to becoming certified as a fitness instructor. Anyway, not what the focus of this blog will be. It's been a week now since I finished Discovery, and it's been a bit of a shock to realize just how negative I am, and those around me. I was disappointed that only one family member was completely supportive of me, without warning me about the hidden agenda in the marketing of the course. Even the friends that I invited to the graduation were suspicious and annoyed that I was trying to "sell" them something. Honestly, I have no interest in having my friends sign up for this course, but I do care about helping them where I can. But it seems that help is only appreciated when it is a service or a favour being provided, It was almost offensive, and really made me think about the people who are in my life. I won't go into any more details about it, out of respect for my people, but it certainly opened my eyes to the box that I've been living in for so long.
The negative self-talk has certainly been loud these days. Whether it is telling me that I am a fraud with no right to give anyone health advice, or that I'm a total train-wreck, it seems like the voices in my head are yelling at me louder than usual. What's sad about it is that these kinds of thoughts have been present for a good 15 or 20 years. It's been hard to just notice them and let them pass, and I definitely have to work on my mindfulness skills.
Another interesting thing I wanted to comment on was the notion of 'being realistic'. In a few very different instances, I have been told that I need to be realistic about life and the world. The example that has really been sitting with me is one where I posted a comment on a public news site on Facebook about why it is ridiculous that Americans should be allowed to carry a gun anywhere and everywhere they please. Like in Starbucks, or a mall. Personally, I think this is ridiculous, but I was called out by two different people for living in a fantasy world of butterflies and unicorns where no one needs a gun. Why does anyone need a gun? One of my debaters said that we need guns because police response times are too slow when you call 911, and you should be able to protect yourself. I don't see how this is relevant to needing a gun in Starbucks, but he is entitled to his opinion (even if I think it's wrong haha). Anyway, the original post and all of the comments about it made me really think about what kind of reality we are living in. If we perceive that we are living in a world where you need to have a gun to go to Starbucks, then of course the world will be a scary and dangerous place. If you think that everyone is out trying to get you, then you project fear and suspicion into the people around you. By living in this fear, we can then only see the reasons why we need to have protection at all times. Of course, I do acknowledge that the world has become a pretty dangerous place. The number of break-ins, robberies, and homicides I'm sure has increased exponentially over the decades, and this is really sad. There is definitely a reason to be guarded, but if you feel that you can't leave your house without protection, that is whole other story I think. What would the world be like if we projected love and compassion for those around us? I admit that I have been scared and suspicious of people based on what they look like, as I'm sure we all have. But what if next time I see a homeless person, I say hi to them instead of avoiding eye contact at all costs? The men who walk up and down the street in between cars at red lights asking for money- usually I say out loud "Get a job" or something negative like that, with no insight as to why this person is in this situation.
As a society, we are so quick to judge others, and I can't help but feel that this is part of the reason why we live in fear. The media doesn't help either; wouldn't it be nice if random acts of kindness were headlines in the news, rather than murders and bombings? I have given thought from time to time about starting a chain of random acts of kindness, but never really did. Whether it's paying for coffee for the next person in line (now if that doesn't solve the problem of needing a gun in Starbucks, I don't know what will!), or helping someone without feeling resentful or expecting something in return, don't you think the world would be a nicer place? I do. I'm sure we all think this is a good thing to do, but how often do we actually do it? I will challenge you to try to do something nice for someone else, even just once a week, and see how it makes you feel. Do something with no expectation, purely out of the goodness of your heart. It doesn't have to be much, and it doesn't have to be expensive. And let me know how it goes. I'll post the acts of kindness that I perform, and hopefully we will observe a ripple effect from this.
The negative self-talk has certainly been loud these days. Whether it is telling me that I am a fraud with no right to give anyone health advice, or that I'm a total train-wreck, it seems like the voices in my head are yelling at me louder than usual. What's sad about it is that these kinds of thoughts have been present for a good 15 or 20 years. It's been hard to just notice them and let them pass, and I definitely have to work on my mindfulness skills.
Another interesting thing I wanted to comment on was the notion of 'being realistic'. In a few very different instances, I have been told that I need to be realistic about life and the world. The example that has really been sitting with me is one where I posted a comment on a public news site on Facebook about why it is ridiculous that Americans should be allowed to carry a gun anywhere and everywhere they please. Like in Starbucks, or a mall. Personally, I think this is ridiculous, but I was called out by two different people for living in a fantasy world of butterflies and unicorns where no one needs a gun. Why does anyone need a gun? One of my debaters said that we need guns because police response times are too slow when you call 911, and you should be able to protect yourself. I don't see how this is relevant to needing a gun in Starbucks, but he is entitled to his opinion (even if I think it's wrong haha). Anyway, the original post and all of the comments about it made me really think about what kind of reality we are living in. If we perceive that we are living in a world where you need to have a gun to go to Starbucks, then of course the world will be a scary and dangerous place. If you think that everyone is out trying to get you, then you project fear and suspicion into the people around you. By living in this fear, we can then only see the reasons why we need to have protection at all times. Of course, I do acknowledge that the world has become a pretty dangerous place. The number of break-ins, robberies, and homicides I'm sure has increased exponentially over the decades, and this is really sad. There is definitely a reason to be guarded, but if you feel that you can't leave your house without protection, that is whole other story I think. What would the world be like if we projected love and compassion for those around us? I admit that I have been scared and suspicious of people based on what they look like, as I'm sure we all have. But what if next time I see a homeless person, I say hi to them instead of avoiding eye contact at all costs? The men who walk up and down the street in between cars at red lights asking for money- usually I say out loud "Get a job" or something negative like that, with no insight as to why this person is in this situation.
As a society, we are so quick to judge others, and I can't help but feel that this is part of the reason why we live in fear. The media doesn't help either; wouldn't it be nice if random acts of kindness were headlines in the news, rather than murders and bombings? I have given thought from time to time about starting a chain of random acts of kindness, but never really did. Whether it's paying for coffee for the next person in line (now if that doesn't solve the problem of needing a gun in Starbucks, I don't know what will!), or helping someone without feeling resentful or expecting something in return, don't you think the world would be a nicer place? I do. I'm sure we all think this is a good thing to do, but how often do we actually do it? I will challenge you to try to do something nice for someone else, even just once a week, and see how it makes you feel. Do something with no expectation, purely out of the goodness of your heart. It doesn't have to be much, and it doesn't have to be expensive. And let me know how it goes. I'll post the acts of kindness that I perform, and hopefully we will observe a ripple effect from this.
Wednesday 28 May 2014
Discovery
So, I know I started this blog saying I would post daily for accountability, and it's been 5 days since my last post. I just finished taking an incredible course, that has completely opened my eyes to why I've been struggling for the last few years. One of my best friends signed me up for the course, and I'm so glad that she did. My previous blog, Journey To Recovery, focused on my struggle with depression and bulimia, and the journey I was taking to "get better". In taking this course, I have realized just how much I've been letting my illnesses control me. As I said before, I've been very cognizant about my mindset recently, and this course totally showed me that I am on the right track with being aware of how much my attitude affects my life. Through various activities and discussions, I realized that I have been acting as a victim of my situation. Being broke, unhappy with most aspects of my life, really struggling to function daily- just a few of the issues I've been dealing with. But, perhaps I put so much emphasis on the negative aspects of my life, this is why things are bad? If I say "I am broke", then of course I will be broke! I have been holding back on getting a "real" job and doing something with my education. I have started a couple of home-based business, and have yet to do anything significant with them. I'm sure most people reading this have no idea about this, because that's how afraid I've been to put myself out there. Here are opportunities to earn money, to be able to say "I am financially secure", but I am afraid of judgement, rejection. I hold myself back because of another story I tell myself, "I'm not worthy"- I haven't used what I learned from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition' Health Coach program because I have been afraid that I have no business giving anyone health advice, because of my past. I tell myself "You can't do this- you're fat! You don't eat well enough to give advice to someone else!" or "You just half-assed your way through that course, and though KNES, you aren't an expert!" But really, I've worked hard to learn what I've learned, and who says I am not worthy of giving health advice? I do, I guess, but does anyone else? Does anyone else out there actually doubt my credibility just because I have back-fat? Does anybody even notice this? Perhaps by being so focused on the image that I don't think I am, I can shift my focus and stop believing those stories. I am a worthy person, and I deserve to be happy. I don't have to let my situation rule my life. Instead of living as a victim, I can thrive as a successful person! I know deep down I have it in me, I've just been to afraid to let it out.
The longer that I keep living in the past, the longer it will take me to improve. If I start every day with intention, and commit to following through on it, who knows what I'll be capable of? Over the last years, I've had all kinds of intentions; but never really achieved them. Or not as fully as I would have liked. I've let external circumstances wear me down, instead of viewing them as growth. Sure, I've had my share of external circumstances (see Prologue in Journey to Recovery if you would like to read about my story), but letting them run me is really bringing me down! I've been following a couple of inspirational women on Facebook for the last year or so, and am in awe of how they've turned their lives around. Women who I actually see as kind of similar to me. Both were able to find great success in sharing their passions with the world. Both women are single mothers, and discovered their passion in a time of unhappiness. My passion, as I've discovered in the last few years, is wellness. All aspects of it. I truly believe that to be in great health, you must honour your mind, body, and spirit through things like learning, connecting with others, fitness, nutrition, yoga, counselling. If ill-health is present in any aspect, true healing comes only when the mind, body and spirit are whole. I've been putting this into practice with my own life recently (hence the blog), and I do notice a huge difference in how I feel when I've eaten well, exercised, or practiced yoga, but also how I feel when I be honest and kind to myself. By learning to live from a place of love, rather than sadness, I can become whole, healthy, and healed. I'm not defining success only with money; I want to be happy in my relationships, in my work, in my health as well. Financial success would be nice, but it's not the main focus. I am setting goals for myself that I am finally ready to commit to, because I deserve success and happiness in my life. So please encourage me to stay strong and keep going; I appreciate any feedback on my journey.
When I first published my article "A Tale of Two Sisters" (again, see the prologue in JTR to read), I was proud yet scared to share it with others. While I wanted to share my story with others, and serve as an inspiration for those who also struggle, I found it difficult to do so. I know that it was inspirational though; I got so much positive feedback from people, whether it was someone reaching out to me to say they struggle too, or someone telling me how brave I am to come forward with this. I really just want to say "thank you so much!", but at the same time, I am so scared of judgement from others about putting myself out there. If everyone really knew what was going on inside my head- why would anyone want to be friends with me? Or take advice from me? But I don't want this. In fact, I'm done with this. Holding on to my fears and staying stuck in the victim mindset diminishes my ability to empower myself, or anyone else, for that matter. I'm ready to re-write the ending of my story as the beginning of a new story- one that I can be proud of sharing with anyone, with no fear at all.
*If you are interested in any of the course work I've done outside of university, I'm more than happy to share! You can check out the websites here:
www.integrativenutrition.com
www.lbseminars.com
www.amythiessen.com
www.jackiedumaine.com
The longer that I keep living in the past, the longer it will take me to improve. If I start every day with intention, and commit to following through on it, who knows what I'll be capable of? Over the last years, I've had all kinds of intentions; but never really achieved them. Or not as fully as I would have liked. I've let external circumstances wear me down, instead of viewing them as growth. Sure, I've had my share of external circumstances (see Prologue in Journey to Recovery if you would like to read about my story), but letting them run me is really bringing me down! I've been following a couple of inspirational women on Facebook for the last year or so, and am in awe of how they've turned their lives around. Women who I actually see as kind of similar to me. Both were able to find great success in sharing their passions with the world. Both women are single mothers, and discovered their passion in a time of unhappiness. My passion, as I've discovered in the last few years, is wellness. All aspects of it. I truly believe that to be in great health, you must honour your mind, body, and spirit through things like learning, connecting with others, fitness, nutrition, yoga, counselling. If ill-health is present in any aspect, true healing comes only when the mind, body and spirit are whole. I've been putting this into practice with my own life recently (hence the blog), and I do notice a huge difference in how I feel when I've eaten well, exercised, or practiced yoga, but also how I feel when I be honest and kind to myself. By learning to live from a place of love, rather than sadness, I can become whole, healthy, and healed. I'm not defining success only with money; I want to be happy in my relationships, in my work, in my health as well. Financial success would be nice, but it's not the main focus. I am setting goals for myself that I am finally ready to commit to, because I deserve success and happiness in my life. So please encourage me to stay strong and keep going; I appreciate any feedback on my journey.
When I first published my article "A Tale of Two Sisters" (again, see the prologue in JTR to read), I was proud yet scared to share it with others. While I wanted to share my story with others, and serve as an inspiration for those who also struggle, I found it difficult to do so. I know that it was inspirational though; I got so much positive feedback from people, whether it was someone reaching out to me to say they struggle too, or someone telling me how brave I am to come forward with this. I really just want to say "thank you so much!", but at the same time, I am so scared of judgement from others about putting myself out there. If everyone really knew what was going on inside my head- why would anyone want to be friends with me? Or take advice from me? But I don't want this. In fact, I'm done with this. Holding on to my fears and staying stuck in the victim mindset diminishes my ability to empower myself, or anyone else, for that matter. I'm ready to re-write the ending of my story as the beginning of a new story- one that I can be proud of sharing with anyone, with no fear at all.
*If you are interested in any of the course work I've done outside of university, I'm more than happy to share! You can check out the websites here:
www.integrativenutrition.com
www.lbseminars.com
www.amythiessen.com
www.jackiedumaine.com
Friday 23 May 2014
Negative Thoughts
So, I didn't post yesterday, because I had been sick in the middle of the night, and then was busy all day. Or maybe I was avoiding. I'm not sure, but I'm gonna go with the first one. Anyway, today's post is really just an extension of what I would have posted yesterday, so here goes.
Since I have started this journey of changing my mind to change my life, I am very aware of the old thought patterns that I still hold on to. Over the last few weeks, in trying to let go of old behaviours and negative control, I have been less strict about what I have been eating, and just eating without judging or putting too much thought into it. Sometimes this is easier than other times; I have gone through phases before where I don't care what I eat, and just binge on anything I want. But, this generally results in a little bit of weight gain, and lots of negative self-talk. I had been experimenting with eating mindfully- allowing myself to enjoy the experience of eating whatever it was, and being emotionally and mentally done with it once I finished. This was good, and I do intend to keep it up. But, as usual, old habits die hard, and eventually I was back to eating mindlessly, and then beating myself up afterward. For the last few days, I have been feeling very negative toward myself, because my weight is up a little bit, and my skin has reacted to the junk food I've been eating (and other things, like using bad products or not washing my face at night). Anyway, for the last few days, I have been noticing these negative thoughts, and how quickly and easily they flow through my mind. Instead of rigidly restricting my diet, increasing my exercise, and hiding from people, this time I have just told myself that I am okay right now, and that I am not a bad person for eating junk food. This has been quite the struggle, because I don't know that I actually believe this at the moment, but hey, fake it 'til you make it, right? Thought patterns don't change instantly overnight, so I know that I will have to keep telling myself this until I actually believe it.
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of reuniting with an old friend whom I have not seen in ten or eleven years. Before I left my house, I was very nervous about going to see him. I was scared that he would be disappointed that ten or eleven years later, I still had acne, and that I'm up about ten pounds since way back then. Seriously. I was afraid that he would judge me negatively for the flaws I see in myself. I don't know if he did; I suppose I could ask him, and I would probably be pleasantly surprised that he didn't think any of those things. The more I think about it, I would think he is just happy that I am still alive, considering that we have lost two very important people in our lives over the last eleven years. I've been very aware lately about how I have a tendency to pre-judge what I think others think of me, and then am pleasantly surprised that no one ever says those things. All kinds of thoughts about people not liking me because I have back-fat and breakouts, because I am not as fit as I "should" be, because maybe my hair didn't turn out right that day. But I'm pretty sure most people don't even notice these things. Maybe they do, but do I really want people in my life who don't like me because of superficial things? No, I don't think so.
So, even though it's been a challenge this week, I am going to continue with thinking positive thoughts, and eating to feed my body, rather than my emotions. And if I do slip-up (as I feel I have most days this week), I am just going to let it go, because it does not make me any less of a person for eating chips or chocolate.
Since I have started this journey of changing my mind to change my life, I am very aware of the old thought patterns that I still hold on to. Over the last few weeks, in trying to let go of old behaviours and negative control, I have been less strict about what I have been eating, and just eating without judging or putting too much thought into it. Sometimes this is easier than other times; I have gone through phases before where I don't care what I eat, and just binge on anything I want. But, this generally results in a little bit of weight gain, and lots of negative self-talk. I had been experimenting with eating mindfully- allowing myself to enjoy the experience of eating whatever it was, and being emotionally and mentally done with it once I finished. This was good, and I do intend to keep it up. But, as usual, old habits die hard, and eventually I was back to eating mindlessly, and then beating myself up afterward. For the last few days, I have been feeling very negative toward myself, because my weight is up a little bit, and my skin has reacted to the junk food I've been eating (and other things, like using bad products or not washing my face at night). Anyway, for the last few days, I have been noticing these negative thoughts, and how quickly and easily they flow through my mind. Instead of rigidly restricting my diet, increasing my exercise, and hiding from people, this time I have just told myself that I am okay right now, and that I am not a bad person for eating junk food. This has been quite the struggle, because I don't know that I actually believe this at the moment, but hey, fake it 'til you make it, right? Thought patterns don't change instantly overnight, so I know that I will have to keep telling myself this until I actually believe it.
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of reuniting with an old friend whom I have not seen in ten or eleven years. Before I left my house, I was very nervous about going to see him. I was scared that he would be disappointed that ten or eleven years later, I still had acne, and that I'm up about ten pounds since way back then. Seriously. I was afraid that he would judge me negatively for the flaws I see in myself. I don't know if he did; I suppose I could ask him, and I would probably be pleasantly surprised that he didn't think any of those things. The more I think about it, I would think he is just happy that I am still alive, considering that we have lost two very important people in our lives over the last eleven years. I've been very aware lately about how I have a tendency to pre-judge what I think others think of me, and then am pleasantly surprised that no one ever says those things. All kinds of thoughts about people not liking me because I have back-fat and breakouts, because I am not as fit as I "should" be, because maybe my hair didn't turn out right that day. But I'm pretty sure most people don't even notice these things. Maybe they do, but do I really want people in my life who don't like me because of superficial things? No, I don't think so.
So, even though it's been a challenge this week, I am going to continue with thinking positive thoughts, and eating to feed my body, rather than my emotions. And if I do slip-up (as I feel I have most days this week), I am just going to let it go, because it does not make me any less of a person for eating chips or chocolate.
Wednesday 21 May 2014
Easy Does It
This is something I've been thinking about over the last few days. I have these grandiose plans to improve everything in my life- my health, my happiness, my relationship with my son, the cleanliness of my house, and so on. I have this idea every summer, and sometimes I am successful for a couple of weeks. Every year, I want to be better than I am right now, and then go on a cleaning and shopping spree to fill my fridge with new, healthy stuff. I feel accomplished and happy to be in this place again. Then after a few days, something comes up, and we have to eat out. Then the next week when I had planned on cleaning, something else came up, and before I know it, I'm back to where I first started. Messy house (again), eating junk food (again), feeling like a failure for not keeping up with my plan (again). So why am I attempting this again? Because I truly want to be happy and healthy, and I feel that my messy, disorganized house, diet and relationships are standing in the way of this. I do realize now that I can be in control of this, and that with consistent, repetitive effort and organization, I can accomplish this. And if I don't get everything done in one day? That's okay. There is always tomorrow. Health and happiness seem to result from the cumulative build-up of behaviours. You can't just clean your house once and expect it to be perfect from that day forward. You can't work out once and expect to have a 6-pack. Keep at it, and don't give up. Don't worry about eating the wrong thing, or not getting the cleaning done, it's okay. In the past, when I would "screw up" my self-imposed diet plan by eating something "bad", then I would either give up, or become stricter with my diet and exercise to compensate. This did nothing for me, other than create a cycle of negative thoughts, and destructive eating patterns. This is not serving me, so I am ready to let it go. I woke up this morning feeling bad that on day one of yet another healthy eating plan, I had wrecked it by eating popcorn and ice cream the night before. I was starting to feel like maybe I'm not cut out for this, but then I got thinking about all of the successful people I know and look up to, and thought about what they would do. I think they would just try again. Start fresh, make the best choices I can today, given what I have to work with, and go from there. It's progress, not perfection, that I am aiming for this time.
What I am planning to do differently this time around, is to 1)write things down, 2)make time to do things, and 3)do something small every day. What three things do I want/need to get done? How much time do I have? What is standing in my way? I have realized that over the last few years, I have been standing in my own way of achieving happiness. Yes, there have been life events that were difficult to deal with, but every body has those. I am learning that it's not so much what happens to you, it's how you react to it. I have reacted to things by letting outside influences and internal thoughts rule my behaviour. If I keep telling myself "I don't have time for...." or "I can't be successful because..." then I will never be successful and I will never have time. If I change my outlook, then maybe I can be successful and have time for things.
Now, of course, I don't know this to be true. I hear and read anecdotal evidence from other people that this works, and I used to think "I can't be like those people, because...." but I'm done with excuses. These stories I tell myself are not serving any purpose for me, so it is time to let them go. Even if my house is still messy, and yesterday I ate too much, that's okay. I'm not perfect right now, and maybe I never will be. I am me, and I am just fine the way I am.
What I am planning to do differently this time around, is to 1)write things down, 2)make time to do things, and 3)do something small every day. What three things do I want/need to get done? How much time do I have? What is standing in my way? I have realized that over the last few years, I have been standing in my own way of achieving happiness. Yes, there have been life events that were difficult to deal with, but every body has those. I am learning that it's not so much what happens to you, it's how you react to it. I have reacted to things by letting outside influences and internal thoughts rule my behaviour. If I keep telling myself "I don't have time for...." or "I can't be successful because..." then I will never be successful and I will never have time. If I change my outlook, then maybe I can be successful and have time for things.
Now, of course, I don't know this to be true. I hear and read anecdotal evidence from other people that this works, and I used to think "I can't be like those people, because...." but I'm done with excuses. These stories I tell myself are not serving any purpose for me, so it is time to let them go. Even if my house is still messy, and yesterday I ate too much, that's okay. I'm not perfect right now, and maybe I never will be. I am me, and I am just fine the way I am.
Tuesday 20 May 2014
New Beginnings
http://cavegirlinthecity.com/monday-morning-motivation-39/
For those of you who followed my blog last year, or for new readers following me now, I would like to take a moment to explain why I am doing this. I feel that my life has become full of stagnant and negative energy resulting from various life experiences combined with my perception of those experiences. For the last few years I have been struggling with various issues, which you can read about here at www.steffsrecovery.blogspot.com if you like, or you can join me on a new journey that starts right now. After a great deal of learning and pondering, I feel like I am ready to change my approach and outlook on things; my ways of doing and thinking, in order to move past the things that have been holding me back from achieving the life and the health that I truly want.
Now, I know this might sound kind of like some hippy-new-age-the secret-kind of thing, but maybe it sort of is. For the last few years, I have been reading about the mind, and how it works; how certain things and experiences shape the mind, and how our bodies and lives are the result of our perception. At first, I thought this was bullshit, but now I find myself wondering, could it hurt to try? I've been unhappy for quite sometime, and struggled with this and that, and find that I just want to change everything about it. Maybe if I start with no longer dwelling in what I don't like, and instead focus on what could be improved? Instead of comparing myself with what I think I should be, why not accept that this is who I am in this moment, but it doesn't have to be that way forever. I have been reading about and envying other people whom I deem "successful"- who I want to be like; while at the same time perceiving myself to be different from them; not as good, not as deserving. Why? Various life experiences that I won't go into detail here. I've been thinking lately though, what if the way I feel about myself is contributing to why I am unhappy? So what would happen if I changed the way I thought about myself, or about life? Would positive thoughts and encouragement lead to positive relationships and health? I don't know, because I haven't lived that yet. But it seems like it works for others, so maybe I should just try? This time instead of thinking "I can't be like this because" or "I don't have this because" I can just think "how can I make this better?" Actually use and follow the advice and actions of others to reach success! I have a tendency to live in a bit of a fantasy world, which is much better than the one I really live in. But what if my fantasy world were integrated with my real world? What if I actually lived in real life the way I dream of? I am ready to let go of those thoughts and behaviours that have been holding me back, and ready to make great strides in improving my life and those of people around me.
I see Luc growing more and more defiant and angry, and I don't like that. I see my weight and my skin still not being what I would like. I see the mess in my house and think that it must be symbolic of the mess in my head; so what if I cleaned it up? Focused my energy on making things better, rather than dwelling on how it's bad. This is inspired by years of reading about psychology, food and nutrition, exercise, movement, and yoga philosophy, and listening to guidance from those I admire. I am no expert in anything at this point, but I am ready to just trust in the process of what is to come, and would like to share it here. I will not make any claims about anything I am doing and how it will change your life, but I will let you know if it changes my life. It would be great if you would like to join me; every year I make this "life-changing" plan that I never follow through on. Something comes up, or it's too hard, or I'm too busy, but I've decided I'm done with that. For accountability, I will post here daily with the small, positive changes I am making in all aspects of my life, and just trust in the process that things will get better.
I have been thinking about the saying "when one door closes, another one opens" and wondering what could happen if I am the one closing the door on the past, and opening a new door to right now. No expectations on the outcome, just mindful curiosity in what is happening now.
So here goes!
For those of you who followed my blog last year, or for new readers following me now, I would like to take a moment to explain why I am doing this. I feel that my life has become full of stagnant and negative energy resulting from various life experiences combined with my perception of those experiences. For the last few years I have been struggling with various issues, which you can read about here at www.steffsrecovery.blogspot.com if you like, or you can join me on a new journey that starts right now. After a great deal of learning and pondering, I feel like I am ready to change my approach and outlook on things; my ways of doing and thinking, in order to move past the things that have been holding me back from achieving the life and the health that I truly want.
Now, I know this might sound kind of like some hippy-new-age-the secret-kind of thing, but maybe it sort of is. For the last few years, I have been reading about the mind, and how it works; how certain things and experiences shape the mind, and how our bodies and lives are the result of our perception. At first, I thought this was bullshit, but now I find myself wondering, could it hurt to try? I've been unhappy for quite sometime, and struggled with this and that, and find that I just want to change everything about it. Maybe if I start with no longer dwelling in what I don't like, and instead focus on what could be improved? Instead of comparing myself with what I think I should be, why not accept that this is who I am in this moment, but it doesn't have to be that way forever. I have been reading about and envying other people whom I deem "successful"- who I want to be like; while at the same time perceiving myself to be different from them; not as good, not as deserving. Why? Various life experiences that I won't go into detail here. I've been thinking lately though, what if the way I feel about myself is contributing to why I am unhappy? So what would happen if I changed the way I thought about myself, or about life? Would positive thoughts and encouragement lead to positive relationships and health? I don't know, because I haven't lived that yet. But it seems like it works for others, so maybe I should just try? This time instead of thinking "I can't be like this because" or "I don't have this because" I can just think "how can I make this better?" Actually use and follow the advice and actions of others to reach success! I have a tendency to live in a bit of a fantasy world, which is much better than the one I really live in. But what if my fantasy world were integrated with my real world? What if I actually lived in real life the way I dream of? I am ready to let go of those thoughts and behaviours that have been holding me back, and ready to make great strides in improving my life and those of people around me.
I see Luc growing more and more defiant and angry, and I don't like that. I see my weight and my skin still not being what I would like. I see the mess in my house and think that it must be symbolic of the mess in my head; so what if I cleaned it up? Focused my energy on making things better, rather than dwelling on how it's bad. This is inspired by years of reading about psychology, food and nutrition, exercise, movement, and yoga philosophy, and listening to guidance from those I admire. I am no expert in anything at this point, but I am ready to just trust in the process of what is to come, and would like to share it here. I will not make any claims about anything I am doing and how it will change your life, but I will let you know if it changes my life. It would be great if you would like to join me; every year I make this "life-changing" plan that I never follow through on. Something comes up, or it's too hard, or I'm too busy, but I've decided I'm done with that. For accountability, I will post here daily with the small, positive changes I am making in all aspects of my life, and just trust in the process that things will get better.
I have been thinking about the saying "when one door closes, another one opens" and wondering what could happen if I am the one closing the door on the past, and opening a new door to right now. No expectations on the outcome, just mindful curiosity in what is happening now.
So here goes!
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