Happy Tuesday, gracious readers! Since my last post, I am still working on organizing many of my personal belongings to put up for sale. I'm about a step ahead of where I was last week, but still have some difficulties. Yes, there has been some procrastinating, but I am definitely realizing that letting go of my attachment to material things is very symbolic of letting go of emotional things. I have issues with control (as I'm sure many of us do), and I am suddenly aware of just how much this is holding me back. I have a number of size 6 Lululemon items in my closet, that I generally don't wear because they are too tight. I know that they are too tight, and that size 8 fits better, but there have been a couple of times in the last year since I bought them that they did fit. Rationally, I should sell these items, because they are practically brand new, and I'm not wearing them right now anyway. But I really don't want to, because a part of me is feeling like if I let them go, then I am letting go of my hope that I will be a size 6 again. Which I suppose is a bit ridiculous, because if I put my mind to it, and eat healthy and exercise, it won't be that hard to get into a size 6. Not like I'm trying to shrink down to a 2 or anything, but still. The three times that I have been a size 6 (probably ever, but definitely within the last 5 years) are associated with my eating disorder. The first time was a few years ago, when everything was just starting. I was healthier then, I suppose, and getting down to that size felt amazing! But I still wasn't happy. And it didn't last long. A couple months maybe, before I hurt my back and gained a bunch of weight. The other two times were over the last year, when I restricted my diet to around 500 calories a day, give or take. Definitely not healthy. And not a lifestyle I want to associate with anymore. I know how bad it is to live off such few calories, and to gain energy through supplements and caffeine. I know how bad this is for my body on the inside, but I really did like how it looked on the outside! People would comment on how much weight I had lost, even though it was only just over 10 pounds. It was enough to make a difference. Enough to fit into those clothes!
Those periods of restricting and losing weight were short-lived too; it's hard to exist on 500 calories, and I often would binge and sometimes purge. As soon as I started eating 'normally' again, or if I stopped caring about restricting and ate whatever I wanted, then the weight would come right back. Which it has. Again. With a few extra pounds. Again. So why do I keep doing this? I know in my head that if I exercise and fuel my body with healthy food, I will naturally lose weight, without really trying. So why is it so f*@#ing hard? It seems like the weight I am at right now is my set-point weight; seems to be this is the default setting for me, because it's what I was at through high school and when I was healthy. I know that it's really not that bad, and that most people think my size is just fine, but I really just don't like it. I know that we all have body issues, and that no one is ever happy, and it's not like I am trying to starve myself down to 100 pounds or less. I've tried that, and it's too much work. I like food too much. But is there really anything wrong with wanting to lose 10 or 15 pounds? I don't think that is disordered, in our society it is normal, but I do acknowledge the problem with constantly living in a state of wanting to lose weight. Anyway, back to my original point here.
Part of this process is letting go of things that no longer serve me, and wanting to lose weight and controlling my diet are two things that definitely are not serving me. At least not at right now. So I know that I need to give up trying to control my body, because it is not helping me. I believe that surrendering to the process of nourishing my body will give me the results I want, but a part of me doesn't want to give up bingeing. Even though I hate it, I have trouble with letting it go. I have been playing around with just enjoying food, but there has been a fair bit of bingeing going on lately, which I think is just my default reaction to the self-work I've been doing, and also some of those darn hormones affecting me. I am aware that I have a choice not to binge, so why do I choose to binge more often than not? Emotional attachment to the food? A lack of commitment to myself to live up to the standards that I set for myself? I had a very interesting conversation today about letting go, expectations, and acceptance based on this self-imposed predicament. The clothes represent my 'ideal' size (as in ideal in my mind, not based on any standards or anything). If I give away or sell the clothes, then I feel like I am giving up hope of being that size again. But I am sure I can be that size again, and I could probably even maintain it for a long time if I really was committed to it. So what is holding me back? What am I afraid will happen if I get to that size? Nothing, really, except that those clothes would fit, and maybe I would enjoy looking at my body more than I do now. Will it change who I am though? Or what other people think of me? Do people think poorly of me right now? I don't know, and I hope not, but I don't think people judge me for being a size 8 and not a 6. And why am I having so much trouble accepting that I am more than just my size. The number on the scale does not measure my intelligence, my strength, my resilience. It should not measure my confidence, my worthiness, or my ability to give and receive love. So why is it so hard to let go?
I do fear that if I stop being concerned about my weight and size, that I will gain a lot of weight from eating whatever I want. So I think it is important to be aware of what I eat, but it doesn't need to be controlled through portion sizes, calories, or food type. If I start to feed my body, rather than my emotions, then maybe I will no longer crave the 'bad' foods. If I learn to eat the 'bad' foods as a treat, rather than eating them as part of a ritual of self-destruction, then maybe I can find peace with food and my body. I have learned about mindfulness-based eating awareness therapy, but never really practiced it. I have heard of it referred to as a "chocolate meditation", which is definitely something that sounds good to me! Eat one piece of chocolate daily; slowly enjoy and experience the flavours and sensations of the chocolate while you eat it. I used to do this, years ago when I was trying to lose weight. But at some point, chocolate became less of a treat and more of a drug. My intention going forward from here is to eat mindfully, choose my snacks and meals responsibly, while leaving room to enjoy a few treats. Start developing a new relationship with food; one that doesn't bounce between careful restriction and throwing all caution to the wind. Let go of those clothes, because right now I need to earn some money, and holding back on my life because of a desire to lose weight is not getting me anywhere. Give up control and surrender to the process of becoming healthy. With no shortcuts, or quick-fixes. Accepting who I am right now, while remaining committed to myself to have the body that I want. What I have right now is fine, and I do acknowledge that. What I need to let go of is my expectation that life will be better when I reach my ideal size. Instead, focus on improving my life, and letting my body heal from the damage I have done over the years. Let my size be what it is, but commit to being healthy.
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