So, I didn't post yesterday, because I had been sick in the middle of the night, and then was busy all day. Or maybe I was avoiding. I'm not sure, but I'm gonna go with the first one. Anyway, today's post is really just an extension of what I would have posted yesterday, so here goes.
Since I have started this journey of changing my mind to change my life, I am very aware of the old thought patterns that I still hold on to. Over the last few weeks, in trying to let go of old behaviours and negative control, I have been less strict about what I have been eating, and just eating without judging or putting too much thought into it. Sometimes this is easier than other times; I have gone through phases before where I don't care what I eat, and just binge on anything I want. But, this generally results in a little bit of weight gain, and lots of negative self-talk. I had been experimenting with eating mindfully- allowing myself to enjoy the experience of eating whatever it was, and being emotionally and mentally done with it once I finished. This was good, and I do intend to keep it up. But, as usual, old habits die hard, and eventually I was back to eating mindlessly, and then beating myself up afterward. For the last few days, I have been feeling very negative toward myself, because my weight is up a little bit, and my skin has reacted to the junk food I've been eating (and other things, like using bad products or not washing my face at night). Anyway, for the last few days, I have been noticing these negative thoughts, and how quickly and easily they flow through my mind. Instead of rigidly restricting my diet, increasing my exercise, and hiding from people, this time I have just told myself that I am okay right now, and that I am not a bad person for eating junk food. This has been quite the struggle, because I don't know that I actually believe this at the moment, but hey, fake it 'til you make it, right? Thought patterns don't change instantly overnight, so I know that I will have to keep telling myself this until I actually believe it.
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of reuniting with an old friend whom I have not seen in ten or eleven years. Before I left my house, I was very nervous about going to see him. I was scared that he would be disappointed that ten or eleven years later, I still had acne, and that I'm up about ten pounds since way back then. Seriously. I was afraid that he would judge me negatively for the flaws I see in myself. I don't know if he did; I suppose I could ask him, and I would probably be pleasantly surprised that he didn't think any of those things. The more I think about it, I would think he is just happy that I am still alive, considering that we have lost two very important people in our lives over the last eleven years. I've been very aware lately about how I have a tendency to pre-judge what I think others think of me, and then am pleasantly surprised that no one ever says those things. All kinds of thoughts about people not liking me because I have back-fat and breakouts, because I am not as fit as I "should" be, because maybe my hair didn't turn out right that day. But I'm pretty sure most people don't even notice these things. Maybe they do, but do I really want people in my life who don't like me because of superficial things? No, I don't think so.
So, even though it's been a challenge this week, I am going to continue with thinking positive thoughts, and eating to feed my body, rather than my emotions. And if I do slip-up (as I feel I have most days this week), I am just going to let it go, because it does not make me any less of a person for eating chips or chocolate.
No comments:
Post a Comment