Alright, so this daily posting thing is really gettin away from me here. I've been more conscious of my actions and motivations lately, and definitely noticing a pattern I've fallen into. Maybe it's been a habit for longer than I realize, but it's really something to focus some energy on.
Somewhere in my adult life, I'm not totally sure when it started, I developed a terrible habit of procrastinating. Papers to write- I'll do it later; housework to do- I'll do it later; this seems to be a common theme with everything in my life. I have heard theories about procrastinating, and how the stress of a deadline can be helpful. And maybe there is some truth to this; perhaps I am more focused when I know something has to be done by a certain date. But at the same time, all of this 'leaving it to the last minute' really just adds more stress. The job suddenly becomes a LOT more work than if I had just started it earlier. Whether it is researching a paper, or taking out the recycling, it is definitely easier to work on this continually, than to let it pile up over time. I have a tendency to overload my schedule with stuff, so that when I have some free time, I'm exhausted and don't feel like doing anything.
Lately, though, I have actually been doing these little things that I used to ignore, but would bother me until I got them done. Dishes in the sink- just wash them. Clutter on the counter- find somewhere for it to go. Recycling- still a pain in the ass to do from my apartment building, but I have found that if I do it weekly, it's not such a big job. There is still clutter all over my house, but what a difference it makes when I actually put things where they belong, rather than just on the nearest flat surface. I am implementing a system of cleaning and organizing, and making it a priority, rather than something I'll get around to doing later. Now that I am free in the mornings, I have more time to do something little every day. Maybe a load of laundry, maybe washing the floors. It doesn't have to be done all in one day, but small amounts of consistent effort are really making a big difference. I'm still busy during the days, it's not like I'm sitting around my house drinking coffee all day, but just taking 5 or 10 minutes to go through a stack of papers or mail really helps. I'm noticing that it really helps to book this stuff into my schedule as an appointment- it gets so easy to book up my time doing things for other people, that I have no energy to take care of my own needs. By being prepared and organized, I feel like I can accomplish this mountain of work, little by little, and get it done!
The second bad habit I want to comment on is maybe a bit related to procrastinating, and that is avoiding. Yes, I avoid doing things by procrastinating, but the avoiding that I am referring to is avoiding social occasions, and interaction with other people. Even things I've already paid for, I have skipped out on, for whatever reason. I'm not sure why I do this; I know in the past it was because I was self-conscious about my weight. I still am at this moment, but it's not as uncomfortable as it used to be. But this pattern of blowing off invites, or cancelling out of things at the last minute is really bad. I get upset when people cancel on me for things, but I have noticed that flakiness is not just limited to me. I almost expect people to cancel things on me, or to have to reschedule. I realize that we get busy in our lives, but what has happened to committing to something? I can recall my mom telling me about not backing out of something you have committed to, but I still do it all the time. More so now than ever, I feel, and I notice it wearing off on Luc. He's the reason I cancel things more often than not, but it is a very bad habit, and I am not teaching him any good by allowing him to use his excuse to cancel my plans.
So what's behind all this procrastination and avoidance? Fear of the unknown? Fear of having fun or enjoying new opportunities? Staying home in my safe place is not necessarily making me happy, so why is it so hard to just follow through on my plans? Often times, I've been 'forced' by friends to go out, even though I really didn't want to, and in the end I had a lot of fun. I can't really remember any specific event where I left my comfort zone and was truly regretful. Even if things didn't work out as I might have hoped, there is always a learning opportunity in every adventure, and you just never know who might cross your path.
I noticed a quote today about happiness that said "Happiness comes when your words and deeds are of benefit to yourself and others". This resonated strongly with me, because so often I will verbally commit to something, but then back out at the last minute. Are these verbal commitments benefiting me or others? No, because the commitments are conditional, and I usually have some kind of intention (conscious or not) to back out. Often times I have found myself engaging in destructive behaviours the night before I have something I committed to; whether it is a workshop that I actually did want to go to, or working on a group project for school, or cutting someone's hair. I'll stay up half the night, eating too much and maybe compensating, and then cancel in the morning because I am "sick". Who is this benefiting? No one! It's harming more than anything. I am putting words out there that are lies, breaking down any kid of accountability that I might have, and often letting people down. Maybe they aren't that upset at me for cancelling, but I hate to think that I am that flaky person who cancels on everything. My sister used to be known as the flaky one; I don't want people to automatically expect me to cancel last minute.
So it's really important that I tackle this now, and not later. The irony of procrastinating on no longer procrastinating is really quite funny, but at the same time it's not. Does procrastinating benefit me in any way? No. Does avoiding benefit me in anyway? No. Do these behaviours benefit anyone else? No. So enough of that already. I'm off to make my To-Do list, and work on getting things done.
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