Commitment & Integrity

So I've kind of been avoiding writing this blog lately, I think because it is forcing me to somewhat publicly examine what's going on inside my head, and that can be hard at times.  Today I am choosing to write about commitment and integrity, because it seems that I have some issues there.  Before I start writing my thoughts about this topic, I first want to define precisely what these words mean.  According to the Oxford Dictionary, commitment refers to "the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.", and integrity refers to "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles" (www.oxforddictionaries.com).  So why this topic?  Where do I even start?

I've recently become aware of how flaky I am when it comes to following through on commitments.  I think I touched on this in my last post, but it seems to keep coming to my attention that I have a tendency to cancel on commitments, even after signing a contract, or giving my word to someone.  I can recall my mother telling me about how sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, because we've made a commitment to someone, and I do often find myself repeating those words to my son.  Over the years, I have developed a habit of backing out of things, which really diminishes the integrity of my word.  How many times have I told someone I would do something, come to an event, book an appointment, and then gone and cancelled on them?  I don't even know.  I feel as though I am constantly letting other people down, but at the same time I am letting my Self down.  How many goals have I set and then given up when things have gotten too hard?  Why do I give up on myself so easily?

In the course that I took last month, I learned a little bit about the "commitment ladder" and how each of the steps go from uncommitted to completely committed.  Things like "I hope I will get this result", then "I want to get this result", then "I am committed to my goal until...", and so on, with "I am committed to my goal 100%, even in the face of challenge" and this is where I am really struggling.  A common goal I set for myself is to eat better.  As in clean, healthy meals, 95% of the time.  I would prefer it to be 100%, but I do realize that it's impossible to be perfect all the time.  So I start out with my shopping list, picking up chicken breast and green vegetables, eager to go home and cook up all this healthy goodness.  And then something comes up, and I don't have time to cook.  And then the next day something else comes up, and I've strayed from my plan, and bought food from a store or restaurant, even though I had all this food I already bought at home.  I know that I have to be realistic and acknowledge that things come up, but I am starting to wonder if these "things" are just excuses for my lack of commitment to my own goal.  Is anyone affected if I don't follow through on my plan to eat well?  I am, in many ways.  Financially, for one thing.  I don't know how many times I've paid for fresh produce just to throw it away because I didn't have time.  It affects my physical health on some level, but my emotional health more than anything.  Because the second I don't stick to my plan, I am beating myself up about it.  Not having the time or being too busy to prepare good food for myself (and my son, for that matter) is not a good excuse.  Booking up my time with commitments to other people, thereby minimizing my ability to commit to myself, is not really a useful strategy either.  I guess it boils down to priorities and organization.  Am I committed to making myself a priority?  I would like to say yes, but my actions are not consistent with that.

And I suppose that would be where the integrity part comes in.  The quality of being honest- am I being honest with other people when I make a commitment that I might back out of?  Am I being honest with myself when I make a commitment that I will back out of?  No, not even a little bit.  Things are going to get in the way of anything, that's just life.  But how I approach these things speak volumes about my level of commitment.  Why give up on my goal, just because things get in the way?  Plan ahead, so that it doesn't have to be such an obstacle.  I'm sure you've heard the adage "Fail to plan, then plan to fail".  I read this a LOT when it comes to fitness goals, especially in regards to clean eating.  It IS hard to stick to the plan, and I'm not the only person who struggles.  But don't give up just because things get in the way.  Be true to yourself and your goals, and don't let "things" get in the way.  And if something comes up and you fall off track, just get right back at it.  Falling off track doesn't mean we failed; we can make the choice to get back up.