Since the last time I posted, I have been very aware of how quickly and easily my bad habits are popping up. While I haven't been "engaging in behaviours" to the extent that I used to, there is definitely still a disordered undertone to what and how I've been eating. I have been trying over the last few months to just eat, without over-analyzing the amount of calories, without stressing over whether it's good or bad, and just watching my portion size. I have been making the effort to make clean, healthy meals and snacks, but it is hard sometimes because we are on the go all the time. I definitely would like to be more organized than I am, so that will take some work. I still find that I am bingeing a bit, especially in the evening, and when I am alone. And then feeling guilty afterward, because I have eaten Luc's chocolate (again), and eaten more that I needed to. Previously, I would have looked at these binges as symptoms of my eating disorder (which previously would be accurate), but now I am coming at it from a different angle. The course work I did through Integrative Nutrition suggests that food binges and emotional eating (which I think is a more accurate description of what I've been doing lately) occur as a result of imbalance of our 'primary foods' - career, relationships, physical activity, and spirituality. Food that we ingest is considered secondary, and exists as fuel for our bodies. But so often, especially in the fast-paced lives we live, being unhappy in any aspect of our lives can lead us to find comfort in food. I'm sure most women and some men can attest to this; whether the over-eating occurs regularly or just once in awhile, it is still a frustrating situation we find ourselves in. Especially if you are watching your weight and trying to eat healthy! I get frustrated when I eat for emotional reasons, but at the same time, it's been a habit for so many years that it is definitely tough to beat!
So, going back to the primary foods, I can take a closer look to find the imbalance. How is my career going? Well, at the moment, I am still struggling with developing my career. I know that I really really really want to be a wellness counselor, and I know that I would like to involve yoga, fitness, and nutrition into my practice. As I've said before in previous posts, I am in the process of laying the groundwork for this, but I am holding myself back out of fear. I tell myself I'm not ready, or I don't know enough yet, but part of me is starting to question this. Sure, I can definitely learn more, but wellness professionals are always learning. If I wait until I know everything (which is impossible with new research constantly arising), I will be waiting forever. I strongly feel that the real reason I haven't done much for my business is because I still don't feel that I am worthy of giving advice to others. I feel shame toward myself for not eating "properly" 100% of the time, or for not being as fit as I would like to, and for even having the history that I do. But it's a work in progress, and I know that if I work on progressing in my fitness and nutrition, along with my knowledge, I can feel worthy. It's progress, not perfection I know, but it has previously been difficult for me.
As far as my relationships, physical activity, and spirituality go, I am sure that through adjusting my point of view and thoughts about myself, these things will fall into place. Through connecting with myself in yoga and meditation, I will strengthen the skills I need to have successful relationships. By viewing myself as worthy and capable of achieving goals, I can improve my physical fitness, and deepen my connection with my body, mind, and spirit. Regular, consistent exercise, yoga, and meditation will help, so I need to prioritize these things again. I love to workout, but often times I will skip a workout in favour of sleeping in, or if I get "too busy". By making myself a priority and scheduling in my workouts and meditation sessions, I believe that I will rely less on food for comfort. I have been in a state of wanting to lose weight for so long, but am shifting my focus to see weight loss as a side effect of balance and contentment in my life. I am finally realizing that trying to control my diet and weight just doesn't work, and I know that I need to let go. What I will be focusing on now is what I am doing in the moment. Not compensating for what was done, but making the best decision that I can, in the moment, given what I am surrounded with. Ideally, this means that I will be prepared and organized ahead of time, with a fridge full of healthy stuff, and a packed cooler bag with me at all times. Realistically, this doesn't always happen, so I will just make do with what I've got; try to make the healthiest choice (not for weight loss reasons, but for nourishing my body), and just accept it for what it is. Realizing that I can't always control my surroundings, or what I eat, and letting go of guilt and attachments to certain foods. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow, and eat pizza without bingeing or beating yourself up for it. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself for now!
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