So, I know I started this blog saying I would post daily for accountability, and it's been 5 days since my last post. I just finished taking an incredible course, that has completely opened my eyes to why I've been struggling for the last few years. One of my best friends signed me up for the course, and I'm so glad that she did. My previous blog, Journey To Recovery, focused on my struggle with depression and bulimia, and the journey I was taking to "get better". In taking this course, I have realized just how much I've been letting my illnesses control me. As I said before, I've been very cognizant about my mindset recently, and this course totally showed me that I am on the right track with being aware of how much my attitude affects my life. Through various activities and discussions, I realized that I have been acting as a victim of my situation. Being broke, unhappy with most aspects of my life, really struggling to function daily- just a few of the issues I've been dealing with. But, perhaps I put so much emphasis on the negative aspects of my life, this is why things are bad? If I say "I am broke", then of course I will be broke! I have been holding back on getting a "real" job and doing something with my education. I have started a couple of home-based business, and have yet to do anything significant with them. I'm sure most people reading this have no idea about this, because that's how afraid I've been to put myself out there. Here are opportunities to earn money, to be able to say "I am financially secure", but I am afraid of judgement, rejection. I hold myself back because of another story I tell myself, "I'm not worthy"- I haven't used what I learned from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition' Health Coach program because I have been afraid that I have no business giving anyone health advice, because of my past. I tell myself "You can't do this- you're fat! You don't eat well enough to give advice to someone else!" or "You just half-assed your way through that course, and though KNES, you aren't an expert!" But really, I've worked hard to learn what I've learned, and who says I am not worthy of giving health advice? I do, I guess, but does anyone else? Does anyone else out there actually doubt my credibility just because I have back-fat? Does anybody even notice this? Perhaps by being so focused on the image that I don't think I am, I can shift my focus and stop believing those stories. I am a worthy person, and I deserve to be happy. I don't have to let my situation rule my life. Instead of living as a victim, I can thrive as a successful person! I know deep down I have it in me, I've just been to afraid to let it out.
The longer that I keep living in the past, the longer it will take me to improve. If I start every day with intention, and commit to following through on it, who knows what I'll be capable of? Over the last years, I've had all kinds of intentions; but never really achieved them. Or not as fully as I would have liked. I've let external circumstances wear me down, instead of viewing them as growth. Sure, I've had my share of external circumstances (see Prologue in Journey to Recovery if you would like to read about my story), but letting them run me is really bringing me down! I've been following a couple of inspirational women on Facebook for the last year or so, and am in awe of how they've turned their lives around. Women who I actually see as kind of similar to me. Both were able to find great success in sharing their passions with the world. Both women are single mothers, and discovered their passion in a time of unhappiness. My passion, as I've discovered in the last few years, is wellness. All aspects of it. I truly believe that to be in great health, you must honour your mind, body, and spirit through things like learning, connecting with others, fitness, nutrition, yoga, counselling. If ill-health is present in any aspect, true healing comes only when the mind, body and spirit are whole. I've been putting this into practice with my own life recently (hence the blog), and I do notice a huge difference in how I feel when I've eaten well, exercised, or practiced yoga, but also how I feel when I be honest and kind to myself. By learning to live from a place of love, rather than sadness, I can become whole, healthy, and healed. I'm not defining success only with money; I want to be happy in my relationships, in my work, in my health as well. Financial success would be nice, but it's not the main focus. I am setting goals for myself that I am finally ready to commit to, because I deserve success and happiness in my life. So please encourage me to stay strong and keep going; I appreciate any feedback on my journey.
When I first published my article "A Tale of Two Sisters" (again, see the prologue in JTR to read), I was proud yet scared to share it with others. While I wanted to share my story with others, and serve as an inspiration for those who also struggle, I found it difficult to do so. I know that it was inspirational though; I got so much positive feedback from people, whether it was someone reaching out to me to say they struggle too, or someone telling me how brave I am to come forward with this. I really just want to say "thank you so much!", but at the same time, I am so scared of judgement from others about putting myself out there. If everyone really knew what was going on inside my head- why would anyone want to be friends with me? Or take advice from me? But I don't want this. In fact, I'm done with this. Holding on to my fears and staying stuck in the victim mindset diminishes my ability to empower myself, or anyone else, for that matter. I'm ready to re-write the ending of my story as the beginning of a new story- one that I can be proud of sharing with anyone, with no fear at all.
*If you are interested in any of the course work I've done outside of university, I'm more than happy to share! You can check out the websites here:
www.integrativenutrition.com
www.lbseminars.com
www.amythiessen.com
www.jackiedumaine.com
Wednesday 28 May 2014
Friday 23 May 2014
Negative Thoughts
So, I didn't post yesterday, because I had been sick in the middle of the night, and then was busy all day. Or maybe I was avoiding. I'm not sure, but I'm gonna go with the first one. Anyway, today's post is really just an extension of what I would have posted yesterday, so here goes.
Since I have started this journey of changing my mind to change my life, I am very aware of the old thought patterns that I still hold on to. Over the last few weeks, in trying to let go of old behaviours and negative control, I have been less strict about what I have been eating, and just eating without judging or putting too much thought into it. Sometimes this is easier than other times; I have gone through phases before where I don't care what I eat, and just binge on anything I want. But, this generally results in a little bit of weight gain, and lots of negative self-talk. I had been experimenting with eating mindfully- allowing myself to enjoy the experience of eating whatever it was, and being emotionally and mentally done with it once I finished. This was good, and I do intend to keep it up. But, as usual, old habits die hard, and eventually I was back to eating mindlessly, and then beating myself up afterward. For the last few days, I have been feeling very negative toward myself, because my weight is up a little bit, and my skin has reacted to the junk food I've been eating (and other things, like using bad products or not washing my face at night). Anyway, for the last few days, I have been noticing these negative thoughts, and how quickly and easily they flow through my mind. Instead of rigidly restricting my diet, increasing my exercise, and hiding from people, this time I have just told myself that I am okay right now, and that I am not a bad person for eating junk food. This has been quite the struggle, because I don't know that I actually believe this at the moment, but hey, fake it 'til you make it, right? Thought patterns don't change instantly overnight, so I know that I will have to keep telling myself this until I actually believe it.
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of reuniting with an old friend whom I have not seen in ten or eleven years. Before I left my house, I was very nervous about going to see him. I was scared that he would be disappointed that ten or eleven years later, I still had acne, and that I'm up about ten pounds since way back then. Seriously. I was afraid that he would judge me negatively for the flaws I see in myself. I don't know if he did; I suppose I could ask him, and I would probably be pleasantly surprised that he didn't think any of those things. The more I think about it, I would think he is just happy that I am still alive, considering that we have lost two very important people in our lives over the last eleven years. I've been very aware lately about how I have a tendency to pre-judge what I think others think of me, and then am pleasantly surprised that no one ever says those things. All kinds of thoughts about people not liking me because I have back-fat and breakouts, because I am not as fit as I "should" be, because maybe my hair didn't turn out right that day. But I'm pretty sure most people don't even notice these things. Maybe they do, but do I really want people in my life who don't like me because of superficial things? No, I don't think so.
So, even though it's been a challenge this week, I am going to continue with thinking positive thoughts, and eating to feed my body, rather than my emotions. And if I do slip-up (as I feel I have most days this week), I am just going to let it go, because it does not make me any less of a person for eating chips or chocolate.
Since I have started this journey of changing my mind to change my life, I am very aware of the old thought patterns that I still hold on to. Over the last few weeks, in trying to let go of old behaviours and negative control, I have been less strict about what I have been eating, and just eating without judging or putting too much thought into it. Sometimes this is easier than other times; I have gone through phases before where I don't care what I eat, and just binge on anything I want. But, this generally results in a little bit of weight gain, and lots of negative self-talk. I had been experimenting with eating mindfully- allowing myself to enjoy the experience of eating whatever it was, and being emotionally and mentally done with it once I finished. This was good, and I do intend to keep it up. But, as usual, old habits die hard, and eventually I was back to eating mindlessly, and then beating myself up afterward. For the last few days, I have been feeling very negative toward myself, because my weight is up a little bit, and my skin has reacted to the junk food I've been eating (and other things, like using bad products or not washing my face at night). Anyway, for the last few days, I have been noticing these negative thoughts, and how quickly and easily they flow through my mind. Instead of rigidly restricting my diet, increasing my exercise, and hiding from people, this time I have just told myself that I am okay right now, and that I am not a bad person for eating junk food. This has been quite the struggle, because I don't know that I actually believe this at the moment, but hey, fake it 'til you make it, right? Thought patterns don't change instantly overnight, so I know that I will have to keep telling myself this until I actually believe it.
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of reuniting with an old friend whom I have not seen in ten or eleven years. Before I left my house, I was very nervous about going to see him. I was scared that he would be disappointed that ten or eleven years later, I still had acne, and that I'm up about ten pounds since way back then. Seriously. I was afraid that he would judge me negatively for the flaws I see in myself. I don't know if he did; I suppose I could ask him, and I would probably be pleasantly surprised that he didn't think any of those things. The more I think about it, I would think he is just happy that I am still alive, considering that we have lost two very important people in our lives over the last eleven years. I've been very aware lately about how I have a tendency to pre-judge what I think others think of me, and then am pleasantly surprised that no one ever says those things. All kinds of thoughts about people not liking me because I have back-fat and breakouts, because I am not as fit as I "should" be, because maybe my hair didn't turn out right that day. But I'm pretty sure most people don't even notice these things. Maybe they do, but do I really want people in my life who don't like me because of superficial things? No, I don't think so.
So, even though it's been a challenge this week, I am going to continue with thinking positive thoughts, and eating to feed my body, rather than my emotions. And if I do slip-up (as I feel I have most days this week), I am just going to let it go, because it does not make me any less of a person for eating chips or chocolate.
Wednesday 21 May 2014
Easy Does It
This is something I've been thinking about over the last few days. I have these grandiose plans to improve everything in my life- my health, my happiness, my relationship with my son, the cleanliness of my house, and so on. I have this idea every summer, and sometimes I am successful for a couple of weeks. Every year, I want to be better than I am right now, and then go on a cleaning and shopping spree to fill my fridge with new, healthy stuff. I feel accomplished and happy to be in this place again. Then after a few days, something comes up, and we have to eat out. Then the next week when I had planned on cleaning, something else came up, and before I know it, I'm back to where I first started. Messy house (again), eating junk food (again), feeling like a failure for not keeping up with my plan (again). So why am I attempting this again? Because I truly want to be happy and healthy, and I feel that my messy, disorganized house, diet and relationships are standing in the way of this. I do realize now that I can be in control of this, and that with consistent, repetitive effort and organization, I can accomplish this. And if I don't get everything done in one day? That's okay. There is always tomorrow. Health and happiness seem to result from the cumulative build-up of behaviours. You can't just clean your house once and expect it to be perfect from that day forward. You can't work out once and expect to have a 6-pack. Keep at it, and don't give up. Don't worry about eating the wrong thing, or not getting the cleaning done, it's okay. In the past, when I would "screw up" my self-imposed diet plan by eating something "bad", then I would either give up, or become stricter with my diet and exercise to compensate. This did nothing for me, other than create a cycle of negative thoughts, and destructive eating patterns. This is not serving me, so I am ready to let it go. I woke up this morning feeling bad that on day one of yet another healthy eating plan, I had wrecked it by eating popcorn and ice cream the night before. I was starting to feel like maybe I'm not cut out for this, but then I got thinking about all of the successful people I know and look up to, and thought about what they would do. I think they would just try again. Start fresh, make the best choices I can today, given what I have to work with, and go from there. It's progress, not perfection, that I am aiming for this time.
What I am planning to do differently this time around, is to 1)write things down, 2)make time to do things, and 3)do something small every day. What three things do I want/need to get done? How much time do I have? What is standing in my way? I have realized that over the last few years, I have been standing in my own way of achieving happiness. Yes, there have been life events that were difficult to deal with, but every body has those. I am learning that it's not so much what happens to you, it's how you react to it. I have reacted to things by letting outside influences and internal thoughts rule my behaviour. If I keep telling myself "I don't have time for...." or "I can't be successful because..." then I will never be successful and I will never have time. If I change my outlook, then maybe I can be successful and have time for things.
Now, of course, I don't know this to be true. I hear and read anecdotal evidence from other people that this works, and I used to think "I can't be like those people, because...." but I'm done with excuses. These stories I tell myself are not serving any purpose for me, so it is time to let them go. Even if my house is still messy, and yesterday I ate too much, that's okay. I'm not perfect right now, and maybe I never will be. I am me, and I am just fine the way I am.
What I am planning to do differently this time around, is to 1)write things down, 2)make time to do things, and 3)do something small every day. What three things do I want/need to get done? How much time do I have? What is standing in my way? I have realized that over the last few years, I have been standing in my own way of achieving happiness. Yes, there have been life events that were difficult to deal with, but every body has those. I am learning that it's not so much what happens to you, it's how you react to it. I have reacted to things by letting outside influences and internal thoughts rule my behaviour. If I keep telling myself "I don't have time for...." or "I can't be successful because..." then I will never be successful and I will never have time. If I change my outlook, then maybe I can be successful and have time for things.
Now, of course, I don't know this to be true. I hear and read anecdotal evidence from other people that this works, and I used to think "I can't be like those people, because...." but I'm done with excuses. These stories I tell myself are not serving any purpose for me, so it is time to let them go. Even if my house is still messy, and yesterday I ate too much, that's okay. I'm not perfect right now, and maybe I never will be. I am me, and I am just fine the way I am.
Tuesday 20 May 2014
New Beginnings
http://cavegirlinthecity.com/monday-morning-motivation-39/
For those of you who followed my blog last year, or for new readers following me now, I would like to take a moment to explain why I am doing this. I feel that my life has become full of stagnant and negative energy resulting from various life experiences combined with my perception of those experiences. For the last few years I have been struggling with various issues, which you can read about here at www.steffsrecovery.blogspot.com if you like, or you can join me on a new journey that starts right now. After a great deal of learning and pondering, I feel like I am ready to change my approach and outlook on things; my ways of doing and thinking, in order to move past the things that have been holding me back from achieving the life and the health that I truly want.
Now, I know this might sound kind of like some hippy-new-age-the secret-kind of thing, but maybe it sort of is. For the last few years, I have been reading about the mind, and how it works; how certain things and experiences shape the mind, and how our bodies and lives are the result of our perception. At first, I thought this was bullshit, but now I find myself wondering, could it hurt to try? I've been unhappy for quite sometime, and struggled with this and that, and find that I just want to change everything about it. Maybe if I start with no longer dwelling in what I don't like, and instead focus on what could be improved? Instead of comparing myself with what I think I should be, why not accept that this is who I am in this moment, but it doesn't have to be that way forever. I have been reading about and envying other people whom I deem "successful"- who I want to be like; while at the same time perceiving myself to be different from them; not as good, not as deserving. Why? Various life experiences that I won't go into detail here. I've been thinking lately though, what if the way I feel about myself is contributing to why I am unhappy? So what would happen if I changed the way I thought about myself, or about life? Would positive thoughts and encouragement lead to positive relationships and health? I don't know, because I haven't lived that yet. But it seems like it works for others, so maybe I should just try? This time instead of thinking "I can't be like this because" or "I don't have this because" I can just think "how can I make this better?" Actually use and follow the advice and actions of others to reach success! I have a tendency to live in a bit of a fantasy world, which is much better than the one I really live in. But what if my fantasy world were integrated with my real world? What if I actually lived in real life the way I dream of? I am ready to let go of those thoughts and behaviours that have been holding me back, and ready to make great strides in improving my life and those of people around me.
I see Luc growing more and more defiant and angry, and I don't like that. I see my weight and my skin still not being what I would like. I see the mess in my house and think that it must be symbolic of the mess in my head; so what if I cleaned it up? Focused my energy on making things better, rather than dwelling on how it's bad. This is inspired by years of reading about psychology, food and nutrition, exercise, movement, and yoga philosophy, and listening to guidance from those I admire. I am no expert in anything at this point, but I am ready to just trust in the process of what is to come, and would like to share it here. I will not make any claims about anything I am doing and how it will change your life, but I will let you know if it changes my life. It would be great if you would like to join me; every year I make this "life-changing" plan that I never follow through on. Something comes up, or it's too hard, or I'm too busy, but I've decided I'm done with that. For accountability, I will post here daily with the small, positive changes I am making in all aspects of my life, and just trust in the process that things will get better.
I have been thinking about the saying "when one door closes, another one opens" and wondering what could happen if I am the one closing the door on the past, and opening a new door to right now. No expectations on the outcome, just mindful curiosity in what is happening now.
So here goes!
For those of you who followed my blog last year, or for new readers following me now, I would like to take a moment to explain why I am doing this. I feel that my life has become full of stagnant and negative energy resulting from various life experiences combined with my perception of those experiences. For the last few years I have been struggling with various issues, which you can read about here at www.steffsrecovery.blogspot.com if you like, or you can join me on a new journey that starts right now. After a great deal of learning and pondering, I feel like I am ready to change my approach and outlook on things; my ways of doing and thinking, in order to move past the things that have been holding me back from achieving the life and the health that I truly want.
Now, I know this might sound kind of like some hippy-new-age-the secret-kind of thing, but maybe it sort of is. For the last few years, I have been reading about the mind, and how it works; how certain things and experiences shape the mind, and how our bodies and lives are the result of our perception. At first, I thought this was bullshit, but now I find myself wondering, could it hurt to try? I've been unhappy for quite sometime, and struggled with this and that, and find that I just want to change everything about it. Maybe if I start with no longer dwelling in what I don't like, and instead focus on what could be improved? Instead of comparing myself with what I think I should be, why not accept that this is who I am in this moment, but it doesn't have to be that way forever. I have been reading about and envying other people whom I deem "successful"- who I want to be like; while at the same time perceiving myself to be different from them; not as good, not as deserving. Why? Various life experiences that I won't go into detail here. I've been thinking lately though, what if the way I feel about myself is contributing to why I am unhappy? So what would happen if I changed the way I thought about myself, or about life? Would positive thoughts and encouragement lead to positive relationships and health? I don't know, because I haven't lived that yet. But it seems like it works for others, so maybe I should just try? This time instead of thinking "I can't be like this because" or "I don't have this because" I can just think "how can I make this better?" Actually use and follow the advice and actions of others to reach success! I have a tendency to live in a bit of a fantasy world, which is much better than the one I really live in. But what if my fantasy world were integrated with my real world? What if I actually lived in real life the way I dream of? I am ready to let go of those thoughts and behaviours that have been holding me back, and ready to make great strides in improving my life and those of people around me.
I see Luc growing more and more defiant and angry, and I don't like that. I see my weight and my skin still not being what I would like. I see the mess in my house and think that it must be symbolic of the mess in my head; so what if I cleaned it up? Focused my energy on making things better, rather than dwelling on how it's bad. This is inspired by years of reading about psychology, food and nutrition, exercise, movement, and yoga philosophy, and listening to guidance from those I admire. I am no expert in anything at this point, but I am ready to just trust in the process of what is to come, and would like to share it here. I will not make any claims about anything I am doing and how it will change your life, but I will let you know if it changes my life. It would be great if you would like to join me; every year I make this "life-changing" plan that I never follow through on. Something comes up, or it's too hard, or I'm too busy, but I've decided I'm done with that. For accountability, I will post here daily with the small, positive changes I am making in all aspects of my life, and just trust in the process that things will get better.
I have been thinking about the saying "when one door closes, another one opens" and wondering what could happen if I am the one closing the door on the past, and opening a new door to right now. No expectations on the outcome, just mindful curiosity in what is happening now.
So here goes!
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