Intro to Plant-based Protein

Using plant-based proteins to reach your protein targets

            Have you ever been in the middle of meal prepping and thought “Ugh, chicken breast again?”  Or maybe you’re already vegan or vegetarian and wondering how you can make flexible dieting work for you?  Typically lumped into the carbohydrate category, plant-based proteins provide a huge variety of foods guaranteed to help you reach your protein macro targets, while also providing you with tons of fibre, vitamins, and minerals.  For an added bonus, plant-based foods tend to be lower in calories and fat than animal proteins, too.  When we hear the word ‘protein’, most of us automatically think of animal products like meat or dairy.  But all foods have protein; some foods just more than others.  The top plant-based protein sources include beans and legumes, whole grains, and even some vegetables! 

You may have heard that plant-based proteins are “incomplete proteins” or that you need to prepare complicated food combinations to make a “complete protein”; this is not quite correct.  A complete protein means that a food contains all 9 essential amino acids we need from food.  Plant-based foods do contain all 9 EAAs, but they are sometimes lower in one relative to the others.  This is corrected by eating a wide variety of plant-based foods throughout your day to balance out EAA levels (read: you don’t have to eat beans and rice at every meal to get enough protein from plant sources!)  Read on to find out how you can incorporate plant-based proteins into your flexible dieting plan so that reaching your protein targets doesn’t have to be endless servings of chicken breast, egg whites, or white fish.

Legumes

            If you are wondering what a legume even is, it is a plant that bears its seeds in a pod or shell.  So, foods like beans, peas, peanuts, and lentils fall into this category.  Legumes are the number one source of plant-based protein, averaging about 15 grams of protein per 1 cup serving.  Beans provide the greatest variety of legumes to choose from- black beans, adzuki beans, chickpeas, fava beans, or kidney beans, just to name a few.  There are so many to choose from!  Not only are they high in protein, beans are also high in fibre, potassium, and iron. 

Soybeans have the highest amount of protein of all the beans, but they do tend to be a bit controversial when it comes to whether we should incorporate them into our diets.  In moderation, soybeans can be a great source of protein, with 31g/cup; however, intake should be limited to one or two servings per week, particularly for males, pregnant women, individuals with thyroid dysfunction, babies, or teenagers.  Not only are soybeans genetically modified foods (typically), they also contain high amounts of phytoestrogens and may have adverse effects on hormone and thyroid function.

            Back to protein here, though.  Commonly thought of as a vegetable, peas are actually legumes, and provide 8.6 grams of protein in a cup of green peas, and 16.3 grams in a cup of split peas!  If childhood memories of being told to “finish your peas” makes you shudder, try swapping out your post-workout whey protein shake for a pea protein shake instead!  Gram for gram, pea protein isolate is nearly identical to whey protein with its nutritional profile, with around 20 grams of protein per serving (may vary with different brands of shake).  Pea protein contains all 9 essential amino acids and is rich in branched-chain amino acids.  However, it is lower in methionine, relative to the other essential amino acids.  This is corrected by combining pea protein with rice protein in most vegan protein powders.  To reach your protein macro targets using legumes, aim for 2-3 servings of legumes a day.  Try a home-made bean chili for lunch or dinner, hummus and a whole wheat pita for a snack, or cook up a tasty lentil curry!

Whole Grains

What do vegan zombies eat to get enough protein? Grraaaiiinnssss.  Just kidding, but whole grains are next on the list of top plant-based proteins.  Whole grains like kamut, teff, oats, wild rice, millet, and couscous contain around 6 grams of protein per serving (45g uncooked grain, or just under 1 cup cooked).  It is important to choose whole grains, and not refined or ‘enriched’ wheat products, as processed grains simply do not have the same nutritional content as whole, unrefined grains.  Low-carb and Paleo diet trends have unfortunately vilified grains over recent years, but they do have a place in any diet- especially a plant-based one.  Much like legumes, there is an abundance of grains to choose from, and grains like quinoa and amaranth are even complete proteins!  Interestingly, while legumes tend to be low in the essential amino acid methionine, whole grains are generally lower in lysine, which is where the idea of food combining comes in (and why rice and beans come to mind when people think of vegetarian diets!).  Balancing legumes with grains either within meals or throughout the day assures optimal levels of the essential amino acids, with plenty of protein to boot!  Try adding some peanut butter to your morning oatmeal; or pair a whole wheat tortilla with a bean burrito.  Eating 5 servings of grains throughout your day ensures at least 30 grams of plant-based goodness towards your protein macro target!            

Vegetables

            Taking third place for top plant-based protein sources is vegetables.  Yes, you read that right!  If you are anywhere on the internet lately, you may have seen the meme that states that ‘100 calories of broccoli contains more protein than 100 calories of steak.’  Which is accurate, albeit a tad misleading.  Broccoli contains about 3.8 grams of protein per 1 cup serving, which is great, but because it is so nutrient dense and calorically sparse, you’d have to eat about 3 cups of broccoli to make up 100 calories worth.  That 100-calorie steak, on the other hand, is only about 3 ounces.  If you aren’t ready to trade in your T-Bone for a heaping pile of broccoli, that’s okay.  Plenty of vegetables are high in protein, including mushrooms, leafy greens like spinach, collard greens, and Swiss chard, asparagus, sweet corn, Brussels sprouts and bean sprouts, and artichokes. These vegetables give us about 4 grams of protein per cup, so we can use them to complement our legumes and whole grains, to boost the protein profile of the meal.  While they are low in protein relative to meat, vegetables are packed with fibre and phytonutrients, making them an excellent addition to any meal!  Add a handful of spinach or kale to your pea protein shake, or enjoy a stir fry with broccoli, mushrooms, brown rice, and edamame for a high-protein plant-based dinner. 

Meat Substitutes

If you are considering transitioning to a plant-based diet, but think you might miss eating meat, you can try using meat substitutes to fulfill any cravings you might have.  There is quite a range of meat substitute products on the market now that are high in protein while being fairly like meat, like veggie ground round (like ground beef, minus the beef), veggie bacon, simulated chicken patties, or veggie meatballs.  The most popular meat substitute products are tofu, tempeh, seitan, or textured vegetable protein (TVP).  Because of their texture and ability to absorb other flavours, these products are the closest to animal protein, and have the most protein of the plant-based protein sources.  So why leave this section until last, you might be asking?  While tofu and other meat-substitute products are high in protein (20+g/cup), there are reasons to limit your consumption of these foods to one or two servings per week.  Tofu, tempeh, and TVP are soybean products, which as mentioned previously, may come from genetically modified soybeans, and intake should be limited particularly by males, pregnant women, and teenagers because of the phytoestrogens in soy products (i.e. Plant estrogens).  Seitan is processed wheat protein, so it is an option if you aren't sensitive to gluten.  However, it can be quite high in sodium, so should be consumed in moderation.  Another reason to limit consumption of these foods is that they tend to be highly processed, especially if you are purchasing pre-packaged, flavoured options.  It is best to consume our plant-based proteins in their whole food form as often as possible, so choose shelled edamame over packaged tofu or use sautéed mushrooms instead of packaged imitation meat when you can.                              

To sum up, when most people think about vegan or vegetarian diets, they seem to think it's just piles of tofu and vegetables, and seriously lacking in protein.  I think by now, we can answer the question of “, but will I get enough protein" with a resounding "YES!"- plant-based diets are more than sufficient in protein, high in fibre, flavour, and nutrients, while being simultaneously lower in calories and fat than a diet based around animal products.  It's up to you whether you choose to use plant-based proteins to substitute or compliment animal proteins; just know that they are abundantly available to add in to your meal prep repertoire.   

When the going gets tough.....

So this post comes in the aftermath of a bit of disappointment.  I found myself getting quite upset and frustrated, because it seems at times that regardless of the effort I put in to anything, the reward is only temporary, and I am quickly slipping back into old habits.  All this work to earn money, eat clean, keep my house organized- and so quickly I find myself broke again, eating badly again, and my house a giant mess. Seems like a lot of effort and for what?  To be right back where I started?  Why do I even bother with trying?  Maybe I should just give up and quit trying to reach my goals.

That's what I usually do after a slip-up, and I always end up feeling badly about it.  Feeling defeated, hopeless, like a failure.  Which leads to negative self-talk and more feelings of being a failure.  I'm sure we've all heard the saying about insanity- "Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results".  I am definitely guilty of this.  Setting my expectations high, approaching the task with an all-or-nothing attitude, then getting upset when it doesn't work out perfectly.  I've talked before about planning, so I won't go into much detail about why it is important for reaching goals, but instead I am going to speak about forgiveness.  Instead of beating myself up for slipping up and failing to reach my goal, I will forgive myself and get back on track.  Things happen, and no one is perfect.  I'm sure even my idols fall off their diet plans at times.  But instead of calling themselves names, and continuing to eat everything in sight, they get right back to eating clean again.  I saw a quote today about failure not being a sign of weakness, but an indicator for new beginning with greater insight.  A slip-up can become an opportunity to check in with ourselves and think about why we have set this goal in the first place.  Why is this goal important to you?  In my case, eating clean and healthy is important to me, because I am in the process of becoming a wellness counselor.  It would be hypocritical of me to preach the benefits of eating well while I secretly eat junk food.  But that has been what I've been doing.  Additionally, I am quite frustrated with the effects of the junk food on my body.  Excess weight, cellulite, and acne have been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember.  Since I hit puberty at about age 13, to be more precise, and I would have thought that nearly 20 years later, acne wouldn't be an issue anymore.  But it is.  And it really bothers me.  The skin is our largest organ, and provides a barrier to the outside world.  It protects our vital organs, tissues, and cells from being exposed to harmful toxins and chemicals.  But when skin problems such as acne are present, it could be a sign of inner toxicity.  Given that the acne has been pretty much constant, other than for a handful of times during my life, it makes me wonder if it is related to something internal.  A digestive issue, a food intolerance, who knows.  But clearly, what I've been doing hasn't been working.  I have tried nearly every topical acne treatment, birth control, facials, tanning- everything short of Accutane, and while I have had some success with these treatments, the acne comes back as soon as I stop.  These are merely treatments of the symptoms, not necessarily a solution to the problem. 

So, in line with my goal of eating clean, I'm not doing it necessarily for weight loss (although that is a happy side effect of eating well), but for the greater benefits of it.  Better sleep, clearer skin, healthy insides- there really are no downsides to feeding your body with optimal nutrition.  Sure, it can be more expensive and time consuming, but the benefits far outweigh the costs.  How do I feel after eating junk food?  Sick, to be honest.  So why do I continue to eat it?  Because it's easy.  It's familiar.  Other people seem to be able to eat it without issues.  But does it make me happy in the end?  No.  Does the energy boost I get from eating healthy food make me happy?  Definitely.  So, even though it's more work to eat well, it is worth it in the end.  Even if you have an off day (or week, in my case), there is no reason not to get back on track with eating and living well.  Take care of your body, it's the only place you have to live.

Letting Go of Expectations

I just want to check in today about expectations, and how they almost limit possibilities.  I seem to always have this idea in my head about what "should" be, or how something "should" turn out, and often I am disappointed with the result.  I do realize that opening my mind and accepting each situation for what it is will bring me far more peace in the long run; but it seems like letting go is easier said than done.  I suppose for a long time I've had a general idea in my head of what I'd like my life to look like, and it has definitely changed over the years.  I acknowledge that I can't control everything in my life, and that the more I try to control things, the harder things get.  It is a challenge to be content with what is, when all I can think about is what I think should be.  And this goes with everything- my health, my relationships, my career path, school.  If I don't like what is currently happening in my life, I have a tendency to seek happiness somewhere else.  But this often leads to more misery than what I started with.  What's so wrong with just accepting everything as it is, and understanding that if I want it to be different, I am the one to make that change.  During a seminar I was watching back in May, the facilitator referred to being content as "waking up every day and not wanting to change a thing".  Maybe not everything is perfect, but everything is as it is, and you are able to draw peace from your surroundings.  I think this is definitely going to be a work in progress; I know there are many things I wake up to, wanting them to be different.  But is different better?

I've been thinking lately about the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side", which makes me wonder if it really is.  Would things be better if I had the body I want?  Would things be better if I had a partner who shared all of my interests?  Would things be better if I had more money?  Okay, so I will argue that having more money would likely make things better, and not in the sense that money buys happiness.  Financial security would probably make things better, not necessarily financial abundance.  Sure, it would be great to have lots of money, but for now I would be happy if all of the bills were paid, and I didn't have collectors calling me daily.  In time, that will come.  But for now, while I sit here in luxurious poverty (as in people living in "real" poverty don't wear designer clothes, have iPhones and iPads, and drive a brand new car) I so often find myself complaining about not having enough money or time to do the things I want.  There is so much emphasis these days around "living the life you want" or "living the life of your dreams", which seems to often revolve around cruises and private planes, swimming pools and mansions,cars, money, luxury.  Why are these the things we are supposed to want?  Are these the things that will truly make us happy?  I don't know, and I don't really think so.  Yes, it would be great to have all these things, but they are just things.  Will your private jet care for you when you are ill?  Will your mansion be there for you during good times and bad?  Probably not.  But back to my original point here- what if I watered the grass on the side that I am on?  Instead of always dreaming about what I would like my world to be, maybe I should open my eyes to what it is right now.  If I am so focused on what I don't have yet, how can I even be aware of what I do have?

I think this is a fairly common problem in post-modern society; we are constantly bombarded with images and messages about what we should want, what we should look like, and what should be important to us.  So what if we all ignored this?  What if we took a moment to be truly grateful for what we have, in this moment?  Sure, I have more body fat than I want, but if I were to get seriously ill, then maybe I'd have a longer chance to live than someone who is underweight?  I have more body fat than I want, but I don't have diabetes or a heart condition (that I know of).  I am able to wake up each day, get myself out of bed, and care for myself without requiring assistance from someone else.  I have a partner who loves me for who I am right now, not for who I might become.  I have family who care about me, whom I am able to spend time with; three of four grandparents well into old age who still live in their own homes.  I honestly think these are the things we need to cherish- people, not things.  Cherish and love yourself unconditionally, and love others just the same.  Stop waiting to be happy, and start being happy right now.  Find it inside yourself, and let it radiate to those around you.  "Water the grass" by nourishing the relationships you have right now, instead of searching for something else.  Realize that what you have right now is enough, don't always seek out something more.

Commitment & Integrity

So I've kind of been avoiding writing this blog lately, I think because it is forcing me to somewhat publicly examine what's going on inside my head, and that can be hard at times.  Today I am choosing to write about commitment and integrity, because it seems that I have some issues there.  Before I start writing my thoughts about this topic, I first want to define precisely what these words mean.  According to the Oxford Dictionary, commitment refers to "the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.", and integrity refers to "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles" (www.oxforddictionaries.com).  So why this topic?  Where do I even start?

I've recently become aware of how flaky I am when it comes to following through on commitments.  I think I touched on this in my last post, but it seems to keep coming to my attention that I have a tendency to cancel on commitments, even after signing a contract, or giving my word to someone.  I can recall my mother telling me about how sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, because we've made a commitment to someone, and I do often find myself repeating those words to my son.  Over the years, I have developed a habit of backing out of things, which really diminishes the integrity of my word.  How many times have I told someone I would do something, come to an event, book an appointment, and then gone and cancelled on them?  I don't even know.  I feel as though I am constantly letting other people down, but at the same time I am letting my Self down.  How many goals have I set and then given up when things have gotten too hard?  Why do I give up on myself so easily?

In the course that I took last month, I learned a little bit about the "commitment ladder" and how each of the steps go from uncommitted to completely committed.  Things like "I hope I will get this result", then "I want to get this result", then "I am committed to my goal until...", and so on, with "I am committed to my goal 100%, even in the face of challenge" and this is where I am really struggling.  A common goal I set for myself is to eat better.  As in clean, healthy meals, 95% of the time.  I would prefer it to be 100%, but I do realize that it's impossible to be perfect all the time.  So I start out with my shopping list, picking up chicken breast and green vegetables, eager to go home and cook up all this healthy goodness.  And then something comes up, and I don't have time to cook.  And then the next day something else comes up, and I've strayed from my plan, and bought food from a store or restaurant, even though I had all this food I already bought at home.  I know that I have to be realistic and acknowledge that things come up, but I am starting to wonder if these "things" are just excuses for my lack of commitment to my own goal.  Is anyone affected if I don't follow through on my plan to eat well?  I am, in many ways.  Financially, for one thing.  I don't know how many times I've paid for fresh produce just to throw it away because I didn't have time.  It affects my physical health on some level, but my emotional health more than anything.  Because the second I don't stick to my plan, I am beating myself up about it.  Not having the time or being too busy to prepare good food for myself (and my son, for that matter) is not a good excuse.  Booking up my time with commitments to other people, thereby minimizing my ability to commit to myself, is not really a useful strategy either.  I guess it boils down to priorities and organization.  Am I committed to making myself a priority?  I would like to say yes, but my actions are not consistent with that.

And I suppose that would be where the integrity part comes in.  The quality of being honest- am I being honest with other people when I make a commitment that I might back out of?  Am I being honest with myself when I make a commitment that I will back out of?  No, not even a little bit.  Things are going to get in the way of anything, that's just life.  But how I approach these things speak volumes about my level of commitment.  Why give up on my goal, just because things get in the way?  Plan ahead, so that it doesn't have to be such an obstacle.  I'm sure you've heard the adage "Fail to plan, then plan to fail".  I read this a LOT when it comes to fitness goals, especially in regards to clean eating.  It IS hard to stick to the plan, and I'm not the only person who struggles.  But don't give up just because things get in the way.  Be true to yourself and your goals, and don't let "things" get in the way.  And if something comes up and you fall off track, just get right back at it.  Falling off track doesn't mean we failed; we can make the choice to get back up. 

Avoiding & Procrastinating

Alright, so this daily posting thing is really gettin away from me here.  I've been more conscious of my actions and motivations lately, and definitely noticing a pattern I've fallen into.  Maybe it's been a habit for longer than I realize, but it's really something to focus some energy on.

Somewhere in my adult life, I'm not totally sure when it started, I developed a terrible habit of procrastinating.  Papers to write- I'll do it later; housework to do- I'll do it later; this seems to be a common theme with everything in my life.  I have heard theories about procrastinating, and how the stress of a deadline can be helpful.  And maybe there is some truth to this; perhaps I am more focused when I know something has to be done by a certain date.  But at the same time, all of this 'leaving it to the last minute' really just adds more stress.  The job suddenly becomes a LOT more work than if I had just started it earlier.  Whether it is researching a paper, or taking out the recycling, it is definitely easier to work on this continually, than to let it pile up over time.  I have a tendency to overload my schedule with stuff, so that when I have some free time, I'm exhausted and don't feel like doing anything.

Lately, though, I have actually been doing these little things that I used to ignore, but would bother me until I got them done.  Dishes in the sink- just wash them.  Clutter on the counter- find somewhere for it to go.  Recycling- still a pain in the ass to do from my apartment building, but I have found that if I do it weekly, it's not such a big job.  There is still clutter all over my house, but what a difference it makes when I actually put things where they belong, rather than just on the nearest flat surface.  I am implementing a system of cleaning and organizing, and making it a priority, rather than something I'll get around to doing later.  Now that I am free in the mornings, I have more time to do something little every day.  Maybe a load of laundry, maybe washing the floors.  It doesn't have to be done all in one day, but small amounts of consistent effort are really making a big difference.  I'm still busy during the days, it's not like I'm sitting around my house drinking coffee all day, but just taking 5 or 10 minutes to go through a stack of papers or mail really helps.  I'm noticing that it really helps to book this stuff into my schedule as an appointment- it gets so easy to book up my time doing things for other people, that I have no energy to take care of my own needs.  By being prepared and organized, I feel like I can accomplish this mountain of work, little by little, and get it done!

The second bad habit I want to comment on is maybe a bit related to procrastinating, and that is avoiding.  Yes, I avoid doing things by procrastinating, but the avoiding that I am referring to is avoiding social occasions, and interaction with other people.  Even things I've already paid for, I have skipped out on, for whatever reason.  I'm not sure why I do this; I know in the past it was because I was self-conscious about my weight.  I still am at this moment, but it's not as uncomfortable as it used to be.  But this pattern of blowing off invites, or cancelling out of things at the last minute is really bad.  I get upset when people cancel on me for things, but I have noticed that flakiness is not just limited to me.  I almost expect people to cancel things on me, or to have to reschedule.  I realize that we get busy in our lives, but what has happened to committing to something?  I can recall my mom telling me about not backing out of something you have committed to, but I still do it all the time.  More so now than ever, I feel, and I notice it wearing off on Luc.  He's the reason I cancel things more often than not, but it is a very bad habit, and I am not teaching him any good by allowing him to use his excuse to cancel my plans.

So what's behind all this procrastination and avoidance?  Fear of the unknown?  Fear of having fun or enjoying new opportunities?  Staying home in my safe place is not necessarily making me happy, so why is it so hard to just follow through on my plans?  Often times, I've been 'forced' by friends to go out, even though I really didn't want to, and in the end I had a lot of fun.  I can't really remember any specific event where I left my comfort zone and was truly regretful.  Even if things didn't work out as I might have hoped, there is always a learning opportunity in every adventure, and you just never know who might cross your path.

I noticed a quote today about happiness that said "Happiness comes when your words and deeds are of benefit to yourself and others".  This resonated strongly with me, because so often I will verbally commit to something, but then back out at the last minute.  Are these verbal commitments benefiting me or others?  No, because the commitments are conditional, and I usually have some kind of intention (conscious or not) to back out.  Often times I have found myself engaging in destructive behaviours the night before I have something I committed to; whether it is a workshop that I actually did want to go to, or working on a group project for school, or cutting someone's hair.  I'll stay up half the night, eating too much and maybe compensating, and then cancel in the morning because I am "sick".  Who is this benefiting?  No one!  It's harming more than anything.  I am putting words out there that are lies, breaking down any kid of accountability that I might have, and often letting people down.  Maybe they aren't that upset at me for cancelling, but I hate to think that I am that flaky person who cancels on everything.  My sister used to be known as the flaky one; I don't want people to automatically expect me to cancel last minute.

So it's really important that I tackle this now, and not later.  The irony of procrastinating on no longer procrastinating is really quite funny, but at the same time it's not.  Does procrastinating benefit me in any way?  No.  Does avoiding benefit me in anyway?  No.  Do these behaviours benefit anyone else?  No.  So enough of that already.  I'm off to make my To-Do list, and work on getting things done. 

What is so hard about letting go?

Happy Tuesday, gracious readers!  Since my last post, I am still working on organizing many of my personal belongings to put up for sale.  I'm about a step ahead of where I was last week, but still have some difficulties.  Yes, there has been some procrastinating, but I am definitely realizing that letting go of my attachment to material things is very symbolic of letting go of emotional things.  I have issues with control (as I'm sure many of us do), and I am suddenly aware of just how much this is holding me back.  I have a number of size 6 Lululemon items in my closet, that I generally don't wear because they are too tight.  I know that they are too tight, and that size 8 fits better, but there have been a couple of times in the last year since I bought them that they did fit.  Rationally, I should sell these items, because they are practically brand new, and I'm not wearing them right now anyway.  But I really don't want to, because a part of me is feeling like if I let them go, then I am letting go of my hope that I will be a size 6 again.  Which I suppose is a bit ridiculous, because if I put my mind to it, and eat healthy and exercise, it won't be that hard to get into a size 6.  Not like I'm trying to shrink down to a 2 or anything, but still.  The three times that I have been a size 6 (probably ever, but definitely within the last 5 years) are associated with my eating disorder.  The first time was a few years ago, when everything was just starting.  I was healthier then, I suppose, and getting down to that size felt amazing!  But I still wasn't happy.  And it didn't last long.  A couple months maybe, before I hurt my back and gained a bunch of weight.  The other two times were over the last year, when I restricted my diet to around 500 calories a day, give or take.  Definitely not healthy.  And not a lifestyle I want to associate with anymore.  I know how bad it is to live off such few calories, and to gain energy through supplements and caffeine.  I know how bad this is for my body on the inside, but I really did like how it looked on the outside!  People would comment on how much weight I had lost, even though it was only just over 10 pounds.  It was enough to make a difference.  Enough to fit into those clothes!

Those periods of restricting and losing weight were short-lived too; it's hard to exist on 500 calories, and I often would binge and sometimes purge.  As soon as I started eating 'normally' again, or if I stopped caring about restricting and ate whatever I wanted, then the weight would come right back.  Which it has.  Again.  With a few extra pounds.  Again.  So why do I keep doing this?  I know in my head that if I exercise and fuel my body with healthy food, I will naturally lose weight, without really trying.  So why is it so f*@#ing hard?  It seems like the weight I am at right now is my set-point weight; seems to be this is the default setting for me, because it's what I was at through high school and when I was healthy.  I know that it's really not that bad, and that most people think my size is just fine, but I really just don't like it.  I know that we all have body issues, and that no one is ever happy, and it's not like I am trying to starve myself down to 100 pounds or less.  I've tried that, and it's too much work.  I like food too much.  But is there really anything wrong with wanting to lose 10 or 15 pounds?  I don't think that is disordered, in our society it is normal, but I do acknowledge the problem with constantly living in a state of wanting to lose weight.  Anyway, back to my original point here.

Part of this process is letting go of things that no longer serve me, and wanting to lose weight and controlling my diet are two things that definitely are not serving me.  At least not at right now.  So I know that I need to give up trying to control my body, because it is not helping me.  I believe that surrendering to the process of nourishing my body will give me the results I want, but a part of me doesn't want to give up bingeing.  Even though I hate it, I have trouble with letting it go.  I have been playing around with just enjoying food, but there has been a fair bit of bingeing going on lately, which I think is just my default reaction to the self-work I've been doing, and also some of those darn hormones affecting me.  I am aware that I have a choice not to binge, so why do I choose to binge more often than not?  Emotional attachment to the food?  A lack of commitment to myself to live up to the standards that I set for myself?  I had a very interesting conversation today about letting go, expectations, and acceptance based on this self-imposed predicament.  The clothes represent my 'ideal' size (as in ideal in my mind, not based on any standards or anything).  If I give away or sell the clothes, then I feel like I am giving up hope of being that size again.  But I am sure I can be that size again, and I could probably even maintain it for a long time if I really was committed to it.  So what is holding me back?  What am I afraid will happen if I get to that size?  Nothing, really, except that those clothes would fit, and maybe I would enjoy looking at my body more than I do now.  Will it change who I am though?  Or what other people think of me?  Do people think poorly of me right now?  I don't know, and I hope not, but I don't think people judge me for being a size 8 and not a 6.  And why am I having so much trouble accepting that I am more than just my size.  The number on the scale does not measure my intelligence, my strength, my resilience.  It should not measure my confidence, my worthiness, or my ability to give and receive love.  So why is it so hard to let go? 

I do fear that if I stop being concerned about my weight and size, that I will gain a lot of weight from eating whatever I want.  So I think it is important to be aware of what I eat, but it doesn't need to be controlled through portion sizes, calories, or food type.  If I start to feed my body, rather than my emotions, then maybe I will no longer crave the 'bad' foods.  If I learn to eat the 'bad' foods as a treat, rather than eating them as part of a ritual of self-destruction, then maybe I can find peace with food and my body.  I have learned about mindfulness-based eating awareness therapy, but never really practiced it.  I have heard of it referred to as a "chocolate meditation", which is definitely something that sounds good to me!  Eat one piece of chocolate daily; slowly enjoy and experience the flavours and sensations of the chocolate while you eat it.  I used to do this, years ago when I was trying to lose weight.  But at some point, chocolate became less of a treat and more of a drug.  My intention going forward from here is to eat mindfully, choose my snacks and meals responsibly, while leaving room to enjoy a few treats.  Start developing a new relationship with food; one that doesn't bounce between careful restriction and throwing all caution to the wind.  Let go of those clothes, because right now I need to earn some money, and holding back on my life because of a desire to lose weight is not getting me anywhere.  Give up control and surrender to the process of becoming healthy.  With no shortcuts, or quick-fixes.  Accepting who I am right now, while remaining committed to myself to have the body that I want.  What I have right now is fine, and I do acknowledge that.  What I need to let go of is my expectation that life will be better when I reach my ideal size.  Instead, focus on improving my life, and letting my body heal from the damage I have done over the years.  Let my size be what it is, but commit to being healthy.

Old Habits Die Hard

Since the last time I posted, I have been very aware of how quickly and easily my bad habits are popping up.  While I haven't been "engaging in behaviours" to the extent that I used to, there is definitely still a disordered undertone to what and how I've been eating.  I have been trying over the last few months to just eat, without over-analyzing the amount of calories, without stressing over whether it's good or bad, and just watching my portion size.  I have been making the effort to make clean, healthy meals and snacks, but it is hard sometimes because we are on the go all the time.  I definitely would like to be more organized than I am, so that will take some work.  I still find that I am bingeing a bit, especially in the evening, and when I am alone.  And then feeling guilty afterward, because I have eaten Luc's chocolate (again), and eaten more that I needed to.  Previously, I would have looked at these binges as symptoms of my eating disorder (which previously would be accurate), but now I am coming at it from a different angle.  The course work I did through Integrative Nutrition suggests that food binges and emotional eating (which I think is a more accurate description of what I've been doing lately) occur as a result of imbalance of our 'primary foods' - career, relationships, physical activity, and spirituality.  Food that we ingest is considered secondary, and exists as fuel for our bodies.  But so often, especially in the fast-paced lives we live, being unhappy in any aspect of our lives can lead us to find comfort in food.  I'm sure most women and some men can attest to this; whether the over-eating occurs regularly or just once in awhile, it is still a frustrating situation we find ourselves in.  Especially if you are watching your weight and trying to eat healthy!  I get frustrated when I eat for emotional reasons, but at the same time, it's been a habit for so many years that it is definitely tough to beat!

So, going back to the primary foods, I can take a closer look to find the imbalance.  How is my career going?  Well, at the moment, I am still struggling with developing my career.  I know that I really really really want to be a wellness counselor, and I know that I would like to involve yoga, fitness, and nutrition into my practice.  As I've said before in previous posts, I am in the process of laying the groundwork for this, but I am holding myself back out of fear.  I tell myself I'm not ready, or I don't know enough yet, but part of me is starting to question this.  Sure, I can definitely learn more, but wellness professionals are always learning.  If I wait until I know everything (which is impossible with new research constantly arising), I will be waiting forever. I strongly feel that the real reason I haven't done much for my business is because I still don't feel that I am worthy of giving advice to others.  I feel shame toward myself for not eating "properly" 100% of the time, or for not being as fit as I would like to, and for even having the history that I do.  But it's a work in progress, and I know that if I work on progressing in my fitness and nutrition, along with my knowledge, I can feel worthy.  It's progress, not perfection I know, but it has previously been difficult for me.

As far as my relationships, physical activity, and spirituality go, I am sure that through adjusting my point of view and thoughts about myself, these things will fall into place.  Through connecting with myself in yoga and meditation, I will strengthen the skills I need to have successful relationships.  By viewing myself as worthy and capable of achieving goals, I can improve my physical fitness, and deepen my connection with my body, mind, and spirit.  Regular, consistent exercise, yoga, and meditation will help, so I need to prioritize these things again.  I love to workout, but often times I will skip a workout in favour of sleeping in, or if I get "too busy".  By making myself a priority and scheduling in my workouts and meditation sessions, I believe that I will rely less on food for comfort.  I have been in a state of wanting to lose weight for so long, but am shifting my focus to see weight loss as a side effect of balance and contentment in my life.  I am finally realizing that trying to control my diet and weight just doesn't work, and I know that I need to let go.  What I will be focusing on now is what I am doing in the moment.  Not compensating for what was done, but making the best decision that I can, in the moment, given what I am surrounded with.  Ideally, this means that I will be prepared and organized ahead of time, with a fridge full of healthy stuff, and a packed cooler bag with me at all times.  Realistically, this doesn't always happen, so I will just make do with what I've got; try to make the healthiest choice (not for weight loss reasons, but for nourishing my body), and just accept it for what it is.  Realizing that I can't always control my surroundings, or what I eat, and letting go of guilt and attachments to certain foods.  Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow, and eat pizza without bingeing or beating yourself up for it.  Or at least that's what I'm telling myself for now!